Jump to content




Photo

Steven Wright is a funny guy...


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 25,652 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 07 October 2024 - 12:14 PM

The quotes of Steven Wright:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists – they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

  • Tim Neja, spudboy, Eddie Fleming and 2 others like this

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap





#2 Bill from NH

Bill from NH

    Age scrubs away speed!

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 14,697 posts
  • Joined: 02-August 07
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:New Boston, NH

Posted 07 October 2024 - 12:36 PM

Tis easier to pull a rope than trying to push it.

 

50% of all surgeons graduated in the bottom half of their class.


  • Cheater and Eddie Fleming like this
Bill Fernald
 
I intend to live forever!  So far, so good.  :laugh2:  :laugh2: 

#3 Jim Difalco

Jim Difalco

    Race Leader

  • Advertiser
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 666 posts
  • Joined: 20-December 08
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Jensen Beach, Florida

Posted 07 October 2024 - 01:02 PM

I saw Steven Wright at a concert at West Point Academy a really long time ago. Late 1980s. The amount of one-liners he needed for his show was just incredible.


Jim Difalco
Difalco Design
3075 NE Loquat Lane
Jensen Beach, FL 34957
(772) 334-1987
askjim@difalcoonline.com


#4 spudboy

spudboy

    Race Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 892 posts
  • Joined: 14-January 09
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Amesbury, MA

Posted 07 October 2024 - 06:30 PM

Always loved Steven Wright. Deadpan as can be.


  • Tim Neja likes this
Nate "spudboy" Bemis

#5 John Luongo

John Luongo

    Race Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 629 posts
  • Joined: 01-August 16
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Haverhill, MA

Posted 07 October 2024 - 07:44 PM

i think he provided the unseen radio voice during the movie "Car Wash" with George Carlin, another great.







Electric Dreams Online Shop