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#1 Dallas Racer

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 09:57 PM

There's a thread on another forum I frequent that people post jokes to. It the largest, most active thread on that forum. So I thought maybe it would be a good thread for freeblog. I'll start:

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.


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#2 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 10:57 AM

A woman was pondering her mortality, prompting her to strike up a conversation with her husband.

“If I die,” she asked, “would you remarry?”

“I don’t know. That’s kind of a morbid thought, isn’t it?”

“I think I would want you to remarry.”

Thinking some more, she asked, “If you remarried and took bike rides together, would you let her ride my bicycle?”

“It’s the same as mine…I suppose so.”

“Would you let her discipline the kids?”

“I guess that would depend on the situation.”

“Would you let her wear my clothes?”

“I dunno, that’s a bit creepy, don’t you think?”]

“Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

“Absolutely not! She’s left handed!”


During my six years of Retro racing, my aspiration to be a mediocre racer has come and gone; my peers now assure me I have peaked (some time ago)!
 
The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Home of the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#3 stumbley

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 11:45 AM

The differences between your mistress, a prostitute and your wife:

Your mistress says: "Are you done so soon?"

A prostitute says: "Aren't you done yet?"

Your wife says: "Honey, I think it's time we painted the ceiling..."
Stan Smith
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"No one is completely useless - you can always serve as a bad example." -PartiStan

Democracies endure until the citizens care more for what the state can give them than for its ability to defend rich and poor alike; until they care more for their privileges than their responsibilities; until they learn they can vote largess from the public treasury and use the state as an instrument for plundering, first those who have wealth, then those who create it -- Jerry Pournelle.

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Things that are Too Big To Fail sooner or later become like Queen Bees, the Alpha and Omega of all activity, resulting in among other things, the inability to think of anything else but servicing them. - Richard Fernandez, The Belmont Club

#4 Dallas Racer

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 07:07 PM

Here's a nifty revenge tactic. Wife is mad at her husband, so she super glues his flip-flops to the floor. :laugh2:

1.778402291.gif


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#5 DirtyHairy

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 10:02 AM

Here's a nifty revenge tactic. Wife is mad at her husband, so she super glues his flip-flops to the floor. :laugh2:

That's awesome...

Lady takes her elderly dad to the mall to go shoe shopping... they stop to get a bite to eat in the food court... the old man see's a kid with a rainbow mohawk....after he keeps staring for a while his daughter tells him to stop...the old man keeps staring and eventually the kid see's him staring and says "whats a matter old man , never done anything wild and crazy in your life".....the old man says "yea got drunk and F-ed a peacock once and was just wondering if you were my kid" :laugh2:
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#6 GaryH

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 11:43 PM

Ma and Pa were sitting in their rocking chairs just rocking away. Ma reaches over, slaps Pa and knocks him completely out of his chair. He says, "Ma, why did you do that?". She says it's because of all of those years of bad sex. .....They start rocking again and all of a sudden Pa slaps Ma out of her chair. She says, "Pa, why did you do that?" and he replies, "for knowing the difference".
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


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#7 Dallas Racer

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 08:53 AM

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

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#8 BackAgain

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 11:04 AM

Phil, that made me laugh out loud... you are winning so far... :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#9 DirtyHairy

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 08:04 PM

My latest attempt at concours!!!

SANY0374.JPG

SANY0375.JPG

SANY0377.JPG
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#10 Dallas Racer

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 07:28 PM

Phil, that made me laugh out loud....you are winning so far.... :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:

:laugh2: I'm enjoying them all Paul! :good:

SHOPPING FOR SHOES

A blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde declared , 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead alligators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "$HIT!........THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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#11 GaryH

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 08:28 PM

A Tennessee couple, Dave and Rebecca, both bona fide rednecks, had nine children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure, and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?

Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of ten children born in the US was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


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#12 Rick Rothermel

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Posted 27 October 2009 - 12:16 PM

A woman goes to a party, and another guest, a famous psychic, corners her saying he has seen a frightening vision.
'I see your husband dying a horrible violent death!' the psychic says quietly in rushed tones...
'Yeah, okay, but that's not what I'm concerned with!' the woman says.
'How do you mean?', the psychic asks, 'What could be more important?'
'I just want to know, will I be convicted?'
Rick Rothermel
SoCal
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#13 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 28 October 2009 - 03:20 PM

Phil,

That movie file (with the sandals glued to the floor) is not funny; instead, it makes me cringe EVERY time.

By the way the drink foams up, I think he may have been carrying a cup of BEER! Travesty!

AJ


"I am master of all I Cerveza."

During my six years of Retro racing, my aspiration to be a mediocre racer has come and gone; my peers now assure me I have peaked (some time ago)!
 
The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Home of the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#14 Dallas Racer

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Posted 28 October 2009 - 08:08 PM

AJ, I agree it was not very nice, and probably hurt, but I still laughed. ;) :laugh2:


Why Men Are Just Happier People:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just to icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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#15 BackAgain

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 08:15 AM

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'


Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#16 Dallas Racer

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 09:00 PM

You really have to watch these in order to appreciate the last one. The first two aren't jokes, but the last one (a parody) won't make much sense without watching the first two in their entirety. Well worth taking the time!

1)

2)

3)
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#17 GaryH

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 10:29 PM

Phil, that's a bit racist don't ya think? :laugh2: :laugh2:
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#18 MrWeiler

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 04:42 AM

After a high speed chase Joe finally pulls over for the cop.

Officer: "Well I'm glad you finally pulled over. Since it's my birthday and I'm about to go off duty I'm in a great mood and if you have a good reason for speeding I'll let you off with a warning"

Joe: "Last week my wife left me for another cop and I thought you were him bringing her back..."

Officer: (Laughing) "Ok you can go..."
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"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
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#19 DirtyHairy

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 08:16 AM

Mr.Weiler,i think you just jumped out in the lead with that one!!!!!!!!
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#20 GaryH

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 11:12 AM

Now, for something REALLY funny.....

This Is Not A Joke
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#21 BackAgain

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 01:19 PM

Not sure what's funniest Gary...the story, or the name of the town...
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#22 Dallas Racer

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 09:06 PM

Phil, that's a bit racist don't ya think? :laugh2: :laugh2:

Gary, no I don't. If it had been produced by white people, then yes it would be racist. But it was produced by black people. I think it's really clever and funny. I've probably watched it 20 times. :laugh2:


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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#23 GaryH

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 11:08 PM

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. He pumps his fist in the air in victory until there is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, I have my way with you." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.


Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. He's expressing his victory over his "enemy" until there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or I have my way with you." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.


Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds THAT grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. Finally feeling he is avenged he turns to leave and standing over him is an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#24 NSwanberg

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 07:32 AM

I am on that new prune juice and Viagra diet.

Now I don't know if I am coming or going.
Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
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Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven
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#25 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 04:39 PM

Gary, no I don't. If it had been produced by white people, then yes it would be racist. But it was produced by black people.


Oh, that's right. Blacks can't be racist...LOL
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#26 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 04:43 PM

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#27 Dallas Racer

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 08:49 PM

Oh, that's right. Blacks can't be racist...LOL

LOL at you Gary.

Racism: hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Just as whites making fun of other whites isn't racist, nieither is blacks dissn' other blacks. :rolleyes:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."


Phil Smith ® ™


#28 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 09:20 PM

Racism: hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.


So, you are saying that blacks can be racist. Good to know you agree.

It matters not that they are black owned. They were using racism to make a point. It was funny. I watched it a few times. I laughed. I still say it is racist. Are you a racist for posting it? Am I a racist for laughing at it? I don't think so, but other's may feel differently.
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#29 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 09:34 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything.” The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”


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Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#30 Foamy

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 11:13 PM

Middle aged woman walks into the living room naked...

Husband says, "Hun, why are you naked?"

Woman says, "This is my party dress tonight."

Husband says, "Well, you could at least iron the effing thing..."


Dennis Hill
 
"Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie,
preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason."

 


#31 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 11:32 AM

So, you are saying that blacks can be racist. Good to know you agree.

Of course they are. I'd say blacks are more likely to be racist than whites are. Same with Hispanics.


It matters not that they are black owned. They were using racism to make a point.

If I made fun of white incestuous hillbillies, no one would think it racist, and that's exactly what they were doing. Blacks making fun of a sub group of their race that they don't approve of. That you consider this racist, is racist on your part Gary. ;)

Phil Smith ® ™


#32 GaryH

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 12:23 PM

I'd say blacks are more likely to be racist than whites are. Same with Hispanics.


You say this because of your earlier definition of racism being hatred and intolerance of other races? Do you really believe this?
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#33 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 12:59 PM

You say this because of YOUR earlier definition of racism being hatred and intolerance of other races? Do you really believe this?

It's not MY definition of racism, it's THE definition of racism. If yours is something other than that, you're wrong.

I don't understand what you're asking Gary. What exactly do you need clarification on?

Phil Smith ® ™


#34 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 02:22 PM

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-George W. Bush
-
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

Phil Smith ® ™


#35 GaryH

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 02:39 PM

I don't understand what you're asking Gary. What exactly do you need clarification on?



I was curious if you believed, as you said, that blacks and latinos were likely to be more racist than whites.


It's not MY definition of racism, it's THE definition of racism. If yours is something other than that, you're wrong.


There's more to racism other than hatred and intolerance.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each racial group possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another racial group or racial groups.

The Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority or inferiority of a particular racial group, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.

The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism as: "the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others."
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#36 Pappy

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 05:43 PM

Phil,

I'm not so sure G.W. said all those things.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#37 BackAgain

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 08:06 PM

He well could have Butch, he had a habit of saying dumb things....of course, he also had the ability to laugh at himself as well....which is a real rarity in any politician....
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#38 GaryH

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 08:52 PM

Check out this eBay auction.

Truth In Advertising
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#39 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 09:05 PM

I was curious if you believed, as you said, that blacks and latinos were likely to be more racist than whites.

Yes I do. Racism is not exclusive to white people.


There's more to racism other than hatred and intolerance.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each racial group possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another racial group or racial groups.

The Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority or inferiority of a particular racial group, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.

The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism as: "the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others."

Ok. I won't argue that.

Phil Smith ® ™


#40 BackAgain

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 09:10 PM

A True Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowlycoming towards him and stopped.. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw acurve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...


'Look Paddy...there's that 'fu**in idiot that got in the car while we were 'pushin it'!
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#41 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 09:25 PM

Phil,

I'm not so sure G.W. said all those things.


He well could have Butch, he had a habit of saying dumb things....of course, he also had the ability to laugh at himself as well....which is a real rarity in any politician....

I kinda doubt he did too Butch. I just thought they were funny.

What's funny guys, is when he owned the Texas Rangers, they'd often interview him for the local news sportscast. He almost always had some funny to say and never struggled or misspoke. He handled himself very well. I thought of him as the President's cool son. Same when he was governor. I really don't remember anyone making fun of his public speaking, or fun of him at all. Then he runs for president and it seemed like overnight he transformed into a bumbling idiot. I really was shocked by it. To this day I don't understand it. :blink:

Phil Smith ® ™


#42 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 02 November 2009 - 06:33 PM

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan.

Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."



Keep it in the slot,

AJ
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During my six years of Retro racing, my aspiration to be a mediocre racer has come and gone; my peers now assure me I have peaked (some time ago)!
 
The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Home of the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#43 Dallas Racer

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Posted 02 November 2009 - 08:21 PM

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'


I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

Phil Smith ® ™


#44 RomanK

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 05:43 PM

So at the bar one Sunday evening Sam showed up with two big knots on his forehead, his buddy John asked "hey Sam, how'd you get those knots on your head" Sam replied "at church this morning" church" asked Sam, "yeah church, I was sitting behind this big ole gal and when we all stood up to sing a hym I noticed that her dress was all tucked up in her butt, well knowing how bad that feels and being the helpful soul I am, I reached up there and pulled it out for her, well she turned around and knocked a knot on my head" John said, "man that sucks, but how'd you get the other knot" Sam replied" well when she hit me for taking it out, I figured she wanted it up there and put it back..............

Roman Kormeluk


#45 BackAgain

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 07:31 AM

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,'
the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#46 RomanK

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 02:23 PM

After a rather tough landing involving multiple bounces the flight attendant on the flight got on the PA system and said" ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dallas Fort Worth International airport, please stay seated with your seat belts fastend while Capt Kangeroo taxi's what's left of our aircraft to the termial gate........

Roman Kormeluk


#47 BackAgain

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 06:41 PM

One in the same vein Roman...

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#48 Dallas Racer

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 02:05 PM

Two guys were walking down the street when they spot a dog licking its balls....

One guy looks at the other and says...

"Boy I wish I could do that!"...

The other guy turns to his friend and says ....

" You`d better pet him first, he looks kind of mean".

Phil Smith ® ™


#49 Mark Wampler

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 08:57 PM

:bad: :bad: Wow, I can't believe I read such sick stuff, YUK!
You can quote me.

-Mark

#50 Ecurie Martini

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 08:01 AM

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.
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