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#1 Dallas Racer

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Posted 21 October 2009 - 09:57 PM

There's a thread on another forum I frequent that people post jokes to. It the largest, most active thread on that forum. So I thought maybe it would be a good thread for freeblog. I'll start:

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.


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#2 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 10:57 AM

A woman was pondering her mortality, prompting her to strike up a conversation with her husband.

“If I die,” she asked, “would you remarry?”

“I don’t know. That’s kind of a morbid thought, isn’t it?”

“I think I would want you to remarry.”

Thinking some more, she asked, “If you remarried and took bike rides together, would you let her ride my bicycle?”

“It’s the same as mine…I suppose so.”

“Would you let her discipline the kids?”

“I guess that would depend on the situation.”

“Would you let her wear my clothes?”

“I dunno, that’s a bit creepy, don’t you think?”]

“Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

“Absolutely not! She’s left handed!”


Never complacent - striving to race to ever increasing levels of mediocrity!

 

The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
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#3 stumbley

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 11:45 AM

The differences between your mistress, a prostitute and your wife:

Your mistress says: "Are you done so soon?"

A prostitute says: "Aren't you done yet?"

Your wife says: "Honey, I think it's time we painted the ceiling..."
Stan Smith
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"No one is completely useless - you can always serve as a bad example." -PartiStan

Democracies endure until the citizens care more for what the state can give them than for its ability to defend rich and poor alike; until they care more for their privileges than their responsibilities; until they learn they can vote largess from the public treasury and use the state as an instrument for plundering, first those who have wealth, then those who create it -- Jerry Pournelle.

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action. - George Washington

Things that are Too Big To Fail sooner or later become like Queen Bees, the Alpha and Omega of all activity, resulting in among other things, the inability to think of anything else but servicing them. - Richard Fernandez, The Belmont Club

#4 Dallas Racer

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Posted 22 October 2009 - 07:07 PM

Here's a nifty revenge tactic. Wife is mad at her husband, so she super glues his flip-flops to the floor. :laugh2:

1.778402291.gif


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#5 DirtyHairy

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 10:02 AM

Here's a nifty revenge tactic. Wife is mad at her husband, so she super glues his flip-flops to the floor. :laugh2:

That's awesome...

Lady takes her elderly dad to the mall to go shoe shopping... they stop to get a bite to eat in the food court... the old man see's a kid with a rainbow mohawk....after he keeps staring for a while his daughter tells him to stop...the old man keeps staring and eventually the kid see's him staring and says "whats a matter old man , never done anything wild and crazy in your life".....the old man says "yea got drunk and F-ed a peacock once and was just wondering if you were my kid" :laugh2:
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#6 GaryH

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Posted 23 October 2009 - 11:43 PM

Ma and Pa were sitting in their rocking chairs just rocking away. Ma reaches over, slaps Pa and knocks him completely out of his chair. He says, "Ma, why did you do that?". She says it's because of all of those years of bad sex. .....They start rocking again and all of a sudden Pa slaps Ma out of her chair. She says, "Pa, why did you do that?" and he replies, "for knowing the difference".
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Glocks are what you show your enemies!


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#7 Dallas Racer

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 08:53 AM

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

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#8 BackAgain

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 11:04 AM

Phil, that made me laugh out loud... you are winning so far... :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#9 DirtyHairy

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Posted 25 October 2009 - 08:04 PM

My latest attempt at concours!!!

SANY0374.JPG

SANY0375.JPG

SANY0377.JPG
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#10 Dallas Racer

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 07:28 PM

Phil, that made me laugh out loud....you are winning so far.... :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:

:laugh2: I'm enjoying them all Paul! :good:

SHOPPING FOR SHOES

A blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde declared , 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead alligators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "$HIT!........THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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#11 GaryH

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Posted 26 October 2009 - 08:28 PM

A Tennessee couple, Dave and Rebecca, both bona fide rednecks, had nine children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting Dave "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure, and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?

Dave replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of ten children born in the US was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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Glocks are what you show your enemies!


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#12 Rick Rothermel

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Posted 27 October 2009 - 12:16 PM

A woman goes to a party, and another guest, a famous psychic, corners her saying he has seen a frightening vision.
'I see your husband dying a horrible violent death!' the psychic says quietly in rushed tones...
'Yeah, okay, but that's not what I'm concerned with!' the woman says.
'How do you mean?', the psychic asks, 'What could be more important?'
'I just want to know, will I be convicted?'
Rick Rothermel
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#13 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 28 October 2009 - 03:20 PM

Phil,

That movie file (with the sandals glued to the floor) is not funny; instead, it makes me cringe EVERY time.

By the way the drink foams up, I think he may have been carrying a cup of BEER! Travesty!

AJ


"I am master of all I Cerveza."

Never complacent - striving to race to ever increasing levels of mediocrity!

 

The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Former Home Track - Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Noteworthy for the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#14 Dallas Racer

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Posted 28 October 2009 - 08:08 PM

AJ, I agree it was not very nice, and probably hurt, but I still laughed. ;) :laugh2:


Why Men Are Just Happier People:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just to icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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#15 BackAgain

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 08:15 AM

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! this American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'


Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#16 Dallas Racer

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 09:00 PM

You really have to watch these in order to appreciate the last one. The first two aren't jokes, but the last one (a parody) won't make much sense without watching the first two in their entirety. Well worth taking the time!

1)

2)

3)
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#17 GaryH

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 10:29 PM

Phil, that's a bit racist don't ya think? :laugh2: :laugh2:
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


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#18 MrWeiler

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 04:42 AM

After a high speed chase Joe finally pulls over for the cop.

Officer: "Well I'm glad you finally pulled over. Since it's my birthday and I'm about to go off duty I'm in a great mood and if you have a good reason for speeding I'll let you off with a warning"

Joe: "Last week my wife left me for another cop and I thought you were him bringing her back..."

Officer: (Laughing) "Ok you can go..."
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"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

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#19 DirtyHairy

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 08:16 AM

Mr.Weiler,i think you just jumped out in the lead with that one!!!!!!!!
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#20 GaryH

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 11:12 AM

Now, for something REALLY funny.....

This Is Not A Joke
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#21 BackAgain

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 01:19 PM

Not sure what's funniest Gary...the story, or the name of the town...
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#22 Dallas Racer

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 09:06 PM

Phil, that's a bit racist don't ya think? :laugh2: :laugh2:

Gary, no I don't. If it had been produced by white people, then yes it would be racist. But it was produced by black people. I think it's really clever and funny. I've probably watched it 20 times. :laugh2:


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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#23 GaryH

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 11:08 PM

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. He pumps his fist in the air in victory until there is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, I have my way with you." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.


Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. He's expressing his victory over his "enemy" until there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or I have my way with you." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged.


Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds THAT grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. Finally feeling he is avenged he turns to leave and standing over him is an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#24 NSwanberg

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 07:32 AM

I am on that new prune juice and Viagra diet.

Now I don't know if I am coming or going.
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Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven

#25 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 04:39 PM

Gary, no I don't. If it had been produced by white people, then yes it would be racist. But it was produced by black people.


Oh, that's right. Blacks can't be racist...LOL
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins





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