1326 replies to this topic

[DannyHotShot1]

Speech Impediment Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

[NSwanberg]

Sickest joke ever?

So this Scottish sergeant major strides into a Glasgow apothecary and tosses a well-used condom on the counter.
"How much to repair it?" he asks the druggist.
"It'll cost ye tuppence to repair it," says the druggist.
"An' how much to replace it?"
"It'll cost ye thruppence to replace it," says the druggist.
The sergeant major puts the condom in his sporran, walks out, returns five minutes later, tosses the condom back on the counter, and says, "The regiment's voted to replace it."

[Foamy]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened here in Santa Clarita. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of
fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

[Hot Deuce]

An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........





So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.





The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get your butt out and wait for a camel.”

You gotta love Texas

[Phil Smith]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Coastal Alabama
~~~~
Coastal Mississippi
~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
~~~
Texas
~~~



Our dipsticks are located in DC.

[BackAgain]

Paddy says to Mick: "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says: "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Paddy and Mick find three hand grenades so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him: "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says: "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine"
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Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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Paddy says to Mick: "I'm ready for a holiday only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."


Mick asks: "So what are you going to do this year?"

Paddy replies: "I'm gonna take her with me!"

[Hot Deuce]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Ron Hershman]

[RichKraft]

Geez Ron,

And bad boys like their mothers told them,
will go blind if they cuff it too much.

I must not have cuffed too much cause I can see,
it's just very blurry.

When I see **** their toothbrush I can't tell if it's a P or a F or an A or U.
I thought good girls didn't use that word and certainly didn't do it with a toothbrush.

That's my joke of the day.

[Phil Smith]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Louisiana when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to
pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the
Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing
I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion
was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I
felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.
I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on
the front page...


So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do
you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his
actions, and reads, on the front page:








U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[BackAgain]

Phil, that story should have been posted in the topic I started about Congress rejecting Obama's budget

[DannyHotShot1]

Birthday Present A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[Hot Deuce]

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"





The waitress nodded "yes,"
so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on disability."

[DannyHotShot1]

Smartest Man in the World A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[DannyHotShot1]

Lawyer In Hell A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

[Hot Deuce]

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, here I am..........

[NSwanberg]

Republicanism Defined


I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, are liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed with pride.

’Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that! You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.‘

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

[Phil Smith]

[Phil Smith]

[Hot Deuce]

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for"?
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work"?
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week"?
"You're the sixth," he said.

[Ron Hershman]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.... Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Gator Bob]

Body language of these two dopes sez it all. Looks like bill gives barry a headache.

[Ron Hershman]

Bill is STILL the "Star"

[Gator Bob]

Bill is STILL the "Star"

Not what Hillery thinks of him.

[Phil Smith]

Here's a keyboard for us old farts: http://www.usbtypewr....com/video.html