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#326 Hot Deuce

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Posted 07 May 2012 - 07:42 PM

The Ten Best Things You Can Say About Barack Obama


1. Obama wouldn't wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
2. Obama really, really likes dogs.
3. The White House lawn is nice.
4. No more Middle East .
5. Gold is at an all time high.
6. Obama knows all the best golf courses.
7. Obama's ears don't obstruct his vision.
8. Obama has visited all 57 states.
9. Obama hasn't violated the Third Amendment.
10. Obama wouldn't wear blue shoes with a brown suit.
John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 




#327 Hot Deuce

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 08:08 AM

Subj: This is what I call a Nasty Divorce
> On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings
> into boxes, crates and suitcases.
>
> On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
>
> On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
> dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background
> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle
> of spring-water.
>
> When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
> few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the
> curtain rods.
>
> He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>
> On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
> first all was bliss.
>
> Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
>
>
>
> They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
>
> Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
>
> Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
> set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
> few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
> carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.
>
> Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.
>
> Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
> they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
> their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky
> house.
>
> Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
> return their calls.
>
> Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
> a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
>
> Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told
> him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
> he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his
> divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
>
> Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed
> on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ...
> but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
>
> He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed
> paperwork.
>
> A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......
>
>
> and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
>
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#328 Gator Bob

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 01:19 PM


Income tax return

Can you believe it? They sent my income tax return back.

In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependents?"
I replied -

"2.1 million illegal immigrants,
1.1 million crackheads,
4.4 million unemployable people,
901 thousand people in over 85 prisons,
and 650 idiots in our Government."
(Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer)!


Who in the hell did I miss ???!
















Income tax return

Can you believe it?

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependents?"
I replied -

"2.1 million illegal immigrants,
1.1 million crackheads,
4.4 million unemployable people,
901 thousand people in over 85 prisons,
and 650 idiots in our Government."
(Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer)!


Who in the hell did I miss ???!

Posted Image
                            Bob Israelite

#329 Hot Deuce

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Posted 16 May 2012 - 06:46 AM

My Physical.......
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the

heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,

jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"


"No," I replied, "I'm just a s****y golfer."
John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#330 MG Brown

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 07:51 AM

The Pope was finishing his sermon in the Basilica in St. Peters Square in Rome. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group grievously approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and inquired if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#331 Gator Bob

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Posted 21 May 2012 - 02:26 PM

FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?


SECOND QUESTION:
I
F YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ??? 2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS
MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
REDEEM YOURSELF:


A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER
AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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                            Bob Israelite

#332 Dallas Racer

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Posted 03 June 2012 - 12:11 PM

Posted Image


Phil Smith ® ™


#333 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 08 June 2012 - 12:49 AM

Sorry to all who have heard this before. It is a true story.

I was explaining slot car racing to a number of co-workers, all engineers.

I explained about the eight-lane track, eight different colored lanes, the computer tells you what lane to go in after three minutes of running, that you run three minutes in all eight lanes and the computer keeps track of the lap times and sums up the laps, your car has a sticker whose color matches the lane you are supposed to be in, people stand around and put your car back in the slot if you go too fast and deslot, etc., etc.

"So, what is the goal of all this?"

Well, you are trying to get as many laps as you can in the 24 minutes you race.

"Are you trying to be the fastest?"

Not exactly, but it is easier to get a lot of laps with a faster car. The object is to go the FARTHEST in 24 minutes,

"So, is there one winner and seven losers?"

I hesitated with my answer and it just came to me. I hung my head...

No, these guys were all racing slot cars; ... there were eight losers!

All in fun.

Keep it in the slot,

AJ

Never complacent - striving to race to ever increasing levels of mediocrity!

 

The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Former Home Track - Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Noteworthy for the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#334 Dallas Racer

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Posted 08 June 2012 - 02:24 PM

I'll have to remember that! :good:

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#335 Dallas Racer

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 04:03 PM

You may have to zoom in to read the tat.

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#336 ravajack

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Posted 28 June 2012 - 01:51 AM

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#337 Dallas Racer

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Posted 07 July 2012 - 12:06 PM

This is for Greg, the errorist terrorist. ;)


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#338 Dallas Racer

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Posted 07 July 2012 - 12:12 PM

Finally, a pie chart I can understand.

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#339 Little Willy

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 09:12 AM

for that chart to be accurate it needs to show how much of that pie you are going to get to eat before some one beets you to it :laugh2:

#340 TSR

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 04:24 PM

Are you beet red? :)

some one beets you to it


Yes of course, must be a beet pie, the type they distribute in grammar school.

#341 Phil Nyland

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 08:48 PM

You might have an alcohol problem if... your regular bar calls the bar your at, and asks when you'll be home?

#342 Tim Neja

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Posted 11 July 2012 - 11:38 AM

Beet????? :dash2: :crazy: :clapping:
She's real fine, my 409!!!

#343 NSwanberg

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Posted 18 July 2012 - 04:12 AM

Speeking of inglish.................

This is from a retired English teacher . . .

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

#344 Hot Deuce

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 06:30 AM

The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed
John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#345 Hot Deuce

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 06:36 PM

Do you know what happened 162 years ago on September 9, 1850 ?


California became the 31st state of the USA . The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except back then, the women had real boobs and men didn't hold hands


That, my friends, is your history lesson for today...


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#346 ravajack

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Posted 23 July 2012 - 07:14 PM

Beet????? :dash2: :crazy: :clapping:


inglisch.jpg
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#347 Hot Deuce

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 08:03 AM

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the
last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from
Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in
code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note
to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were
unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of
their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not
one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called
by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI
were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the
phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#348 Cheater

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Posted 16 August 2012 - 08:02 AM

Paraprosdokians... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them...

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor" .
13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

And mine is... I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#349 Gator Bob

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Posted 16 August 2012 - 08:55 AM

These are good... LOL.

27. Why do cars drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
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                            Bob Israelite

#350 Gator Bob

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Posted 21 August 2012 - 11:07 AM

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him
says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only
fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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                            Bob Israelite





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