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#351 Gator Bob

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 04:01 PM

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                            Bob Israelite




#352 ravajack

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 03:40 AM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at a Washington house. One is from Boston, another is from New York and the third is from Chicago. All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Boston contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me".

The New York contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says:
"I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The man from Chicago doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers:
"$2,700".

The official, incredulous, says:
"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago man whispers back:
"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from New York to fix the fence".

"Done!" replies the official.

And THAT is how government contracting works...
Bertil Berggren
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#353 Dr. Gamma

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Posted 31 August 2012 - 09:29 AM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at a Washington house. One is from Boston, another is from New York and the third is from Chicago. All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Boston contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me".

The New York contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says:
"I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The man from Chicago doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers:
"$2,700".

The official, incredulous, says:
"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago man whispers back:
"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from New York to fix the fence".

"Done!" replies the official.

And THAT is how government contracting works...


You must have been from Chicago, or have someone that lives there. You hit the nail on the head because thats exactly how anything gets done in Chicago, and Crook County!!!!

Robert Kickenapp, AKA RRB (Road Race Bob or when I fell down, I became Road Rash Bob)

 

"Honest, I swear its stock"  My answer to tech officials at post race teardown many a time.

 

That bike wouldn't do 150mph if you dropped it down a mineshaft!!!


#354 MG Brown

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Posted 13 September 2012 - 03:23 PM

Many years ago a White House intern stops in at her local dry cleaner to have a stain removed from her favorite cocktail dress.

The cleaner is examining the stain as the intern turns to leave, the dry cleaner calls out "come again" cheerily.

The intern snaps around 180 degrees and says "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy bitch!"

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#355 Dallas Racer

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Posted 21 September 2012 - 05:20 PM

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Phil Smith ® ™


#356 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 21 September 2012 - 09:08 PM

I got a feevah! And the only cure is more cowbell!

Never complacent - striving to race to ever increasing levels of mediocrity!

 

The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Former Home Track - Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Noteworthy for the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#357 Gator Bob

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Posted 01 October 2012 - 11:49 PM

Happy 20th Anniversary.

Sign the card
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                            Bob Israelite

#358 Cheater

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 10:49 AM

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

"Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#359 Bernie

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 11:08 AM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: ! Good one Greg.
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#360 Gator Bob

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Posted 22 October 2012 - 04:52 PM

Ahhhhh……The Wisdom of the Ages........


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like............
I'm talking to a effing wall."
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#361 MG Brown

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 09:46 AM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a baker went in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The baker was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Democrat came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Democrat was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Democrats lined up waiting in line for a free haircut.

(stolen from John Ford)

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#362 Bernie

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 12:55 PM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a baker went in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The baker was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Democrat came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Democrat was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Democrats lined up waiting in line for a free haircut.

(stolen from John Ford)

:laugh2: :laugh2: Very Funny MG. How about inserting "farmers" in this joke? They seem to always line up for free money and yet consider themselves conservitive, go figure. I guess it is ok for business to take handouts but people, God forbid :)
Bernie Schatz

#363 MG Brown

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Posted 24 October 2012 - 01:42 PM

[ sermon ]First thing we need to agree on is that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Any successful business man will tell you that at the end of the month the debits and credits must balance or they won't be in business long.

Government is the same- they may give something to business today but they expect something in return tomorrow. Of course all of the handouts to energy startups seem to defy this notion...

People or businesses getting "free stuff" today will eventually pay for what they got for "free" in the future- even if the payment is something as intangible as their ongoing dependence on Government handouts which could be called loss of individual freedoms.[ /sermon ]

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#364 MG Brown

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 01:53 PM

Mitch Hedberg was a stand up comedian that had a brief career cut short by what some people feel was a suicide by drug overdose.

In recent years many entertainers have died too young and some have died at their own hand- but Mitch was the only such suicide by an entertainer that I know of that suffered from acute stage fright.

During the early part of his career, Mitch would appear on stage with dark glasses to disguise the fact that his eyes were closed. On some You Tube videos of his appearances on television, Mitch could hardly hold the microphone because he was shaking so badly. People close to Mitch feel it was this stage fright that caused him to have dread about an upcoming show and take his own life. Very unfortunate was that his death was announced formally on April 1, 2005 which incorrectly led some of his fans to feel it was an April Fool's joke. Public reaction reminded me how stand-up comedian Andy Kauffman was believed by some people to have faked his death as the ultimate prank. As recently as 2008 someone claiming to be Andy Kauffman was posting on the internet as Andy and claiming that they (Andy) was planning a huge comeback.

That having been said- I have enjoyed Mitch Hedberg's humor because it is much in the same "slice of life" vein as Seinfeld or Cosby but with a bit of an odd twist that is uniquely his own. Most of his material was so called "one liners" and I share a few of my favorites with you here.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."


You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"


My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"


This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."


I was at the airport a while back and some guy said, "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said, "Dude! I saw you at the airport...about a minute ago... and you were good."


I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the _ucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the _ucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"


For lots more of Mitch Hedburg visit this website: http://en.wikiquote....i/Mitch_Hedberg (purposely left HTML exposed in case someone is unfamiliar with the site wikiquote)

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#365 ravajack

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Posted 26 October 2012 - 03:24 PM

The truth about rallying:

rally.jpg
Bertil Berggren
Overseas Observer

#366 MG Brown

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 08:55 AM

Why is the "Doggie Style" sex position so popular on the weekends for men and women living in North Carolina ?


...


So both people can watch the NASCAR telecast. (you knew the answer, admit it)

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#367 Phil Hackett

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Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:01 AM

Dumb Ways To Die. A catchy tune if not a entertaining video (animated)...


Click HERE to contact Sonic Products. The messenger feature on my Slotblog account has been disabled.

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#368 MG Brown

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 05:27 PM

It's the Christmas season and a guy walks into a bar in Atlanta, GA and notices a Nativity Scene behind the bar. The Tree Wise Men are all wearing fireman's hats. He asks the bartender why the Magi are wearing fireman's hats and the barkeep says:

 

"Well, everyone knows that they came from afar." (dedicated to a delicate flower of the south that I know)


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#369 Cheater

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 01:34 PM

Yeah, but you didn't have to put it in Atlanta, Mick. South Carolinians have the thicker accent... LOL!


A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"

The fairy said, "You crafty bastard."

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#370 Foamy

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 08:08 PM

"Fifty Shades Of Gray,"
Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.
This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.
Two days later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their
yearly golf getaway.
And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs already
set up on his cart.
"Dang Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom.
On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!


Dennis Hill
 
"Just once I want my life to be like an '80s movie,
preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason."

#371 Foamy

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 08:11 PM

           Ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


Dennis Hill
 
"Just once I want my life to be like an '80s movie,
preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason."

#372 Tim Neja

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Posted 06 December 2012 - 08:53 PM

The wife and I were out to dinner the other night---and she notices the waiters all have spoons in their pockets! So she asks our waiter--"Why do you have a spoon in your pocket"?

He tells us its an "Efficiency study--the most often dropped utensil--is the spoon--so if the waiters carry one in their pockets--their ready for instant replacement without going back to the kitchen"!

She also notices the waiters have a string hanging out of their flys?? SOO--she asks our waiter about that!! The waiter says "that's also part of the efficiency study--that way--he doesn't have to TOUCH his pecker to take it out to pee--saves the time of washing his hands"!!
So my wife says---"I understand how you get your penis out---but how do you put it back???"

The waiter replied---"I'm not sure about the other waiters---but I USE MY SPOON"!!
She's real fine, my 409!!!

#373 Indiana Outlaw

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Posted 10 December 2012 - 08:15 PM

Tim, Been on the GPAA?


Doug Demski
I have done so much
with so little
for so long
I am now qualified
to do anything
with nothing.

#374 Tim Neja

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Posted 10 December 2012 - 08:48 PM

GPAA???? I've been telling this old story since the 60's!! Hohoho!

She's real fine, my 409!!!

#375 MG Brown

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Posted 10 December 2012 - 10:27 PM

An old man in Dryden calls up his son in Toronto and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other...any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Vancouver and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

From the morning show, 92.7 CKDR, Dryden ON


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin






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