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Joke of the day


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#701 Zippity

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Posted 30 November 2016 - 07:57 PM

Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

 

Unexpectedly,the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
 
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
 
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
 
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
 
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 
 
The blind lady said,"No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." 

Picture this:
 
bdog.jpg

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!
 
Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
 
People scattered.
 
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story...

Have a great day and remember....

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED.

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#702 MG Brown

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Posted 02 December 2016 - 09:05 AM

Christmas Joke of the Day....

 

Three men were in an auto accident and died on Christmas Eve. They were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're sleigh bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of black lacy women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#703 MG Brown

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Posted 02 December 2016 - 09:10 AM

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.

 

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 

He got an A.


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"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#704 Zippity

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Posted 04 December 2016 - 07:16 PM

One afternoon an Irishman goes into a Pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and says to the Chemist "could you taste this for me, please?"'

The Chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the Chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"My doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

*********************************


A very prestigious Cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

Covered in flowers, a huge heart, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, the casket rolled inside, then the heart closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...

I'm a gynaecologist!'


The priest fainted!.....................

*********************************


You are driving in a 'compact' car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a sheer 'drop off' of about 500mm below the level you are travelling on, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

Right in front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

For the answer, left-click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get off the merry-go-round, you're too pissed to be riding it. *

 


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#705 Zippity

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 06:48 PM

Did You Know That............


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

------------------------------


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough methane gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb,

and enough floating effluvium* to suffocate any survivors.

(Now that's more like it!)

Go look it up...

------------------------------

When it pumps out to the body, the human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

------------------------------

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

------------------------------

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

------------------------------

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

------------------------------

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..

(Hi Honey, I'm home.... What the...?)

------------------------------

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(Thirty minutes? Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

------------------------------

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be that tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

------------------------------

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

------------------------------

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

------------------------------

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

------------------------------

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

------------------------------

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

------------------------------

A cat's urine glows under a UV light.

(I wonder how much our government paid to figure that out.)

------------------------------

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

------------------------------

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

------------------------------

Polar bears are left-handed (pawed?).

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

------------------------------

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

------------------------------


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, and maybe even a chuckle..

In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)



Cheers, and all the best for 2017 thumbs.gif


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#706 Cheater

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 06:03 PM

Some of these are pretty good!

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  

At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.   

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"   

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."   

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"  

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."   

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.  

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)   It is perfect formula for the child.
2)   It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)   It is always the right temperature.
4)   It is inexpensive.
5)   It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)   It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7)   It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

 

He got an A.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."  

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. 

Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.    

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"   

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."  

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"  

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."  

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"  

She said, "Most of  them become taxi drivers."
 

* * * * * * * * * * 

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#707 Cheater

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Posted 24 January 2017 - 05:58 PM

Ambidextrous Lady Golfer

 

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transferred to another city and they're lost without him.

 

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

 

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 AM." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

 

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "OK."

 

She's there at 6:30 AM sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.

 

She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.

 

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

 

They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

 

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

 

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

 

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

 

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical.

 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#708 MG Brown

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 10:53 PM

A 30-something single woman wasn't feeling well one day, so she went to her doctor.

The doctor ran some tests, got the results and said to her, "I have good news and bad news.

The bad news: you're very sick, there's nothing we can do about it, and you have about six months to live.

The good news: I want you to go home, join every internet dating service you can, find a single slot car racer, and marry him."

She says to her doctor, "Wow, that's great – I had no idea being married to a slot car racer would make me live longer!"

Her doctor replies, "Well, it won't, but it will seem like it."
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"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#709 NSwanberg

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 01:47 AM

MG, whose wife sent that one to you? :laugh2:


Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven

#710 MG Brown

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 04:39 PM

It originally was on a model railroading message board...

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#711 Cheater

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 11:37 AM

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
 
A rather attractive lady driving by in a new shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window, and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
 
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
 
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?"
 
Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off!...


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#712 Zippity

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 08:49 PM

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'


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#713 Cheater

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Posted 10 March 2017 - 03:11 PM

Real life shades of gray

Back and forth... Back and forth...
In and out... In and out...

A little to the right... A little to the left...

She could feel the sweat on her forehead...
Between her breasts... And, trickling down the small of her back...

She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy... with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved...

Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backwards.
Again... and again...

Her heart was pounding now...

Her face was flushed...

She moaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder...

Finally... totally exhausted... she let out a piercing scream...

She shouted:

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#714 Zippity

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 09:14 PM

A bit late, but a good one:
 
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”



#715 Pappy

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 10:25 PM

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the questions required rearranging the letters "PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part, which is most useful when erect."


Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes by email and racing slot cars.
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#716 MG Brown

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Posted 24 March 2017 - 07:18 AM

Pleasure Room.jpg


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"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#717 Cheater

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Posted 28 March 2017 - 05:31 PM

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small USA flags mounted on either side of it.

 

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

 

"Good morning father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" he asked the priest.

 

The priest said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

 

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#718 Cheater

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Posted 05 April 2017 - 05:40 PM

Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. 

 

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:   

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

--------------------------      
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.' 

-------------------------- 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

-------------------------- 
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

-------------------------- 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

-------------------------- 
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

-------------------------- 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

-------------------------- 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

-------------------------- 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-------------------------- 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

-------------------------- 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

-------------------------- 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

-------------------------- 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

-------------------------- 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

-------------------------- 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 

--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-------------------------- 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

-------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#719 Cheater

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Posted 06 April 2017 - 11:41 AM

The little boy had been looking out of the window of the airplane

He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer.  She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
 
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."

"Well", said the flight attendant, "You tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#720 Cheater

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 09:10 AM

You know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back

29. You missed your fifth grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 
31. And the tires on your trailer house are better than the ones on your pick-up.


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#721 Phil Hackett

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 10:47 AM

For a while #9 was my next door neighbor... used water heaters were a particular favorite of his...
Click HERE to contact Sonic Products. The messenger feature on my Slotblog account has been disabled.

Posted Image

#722 Cheater

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 11:00 AM

Was he making biodiesel? A lot of guys doing that use old water heaters for vessels.

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#723 Phil Hackett

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 01:16 PM

This was long before the biodiesel thing. The wife now owns the house he moved on to God knows where...
Click HERE to contact Sonic Products. The messenger feature on my Slotblog account has been disabled.

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#724 MSwiss

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Posted 05 May 2017 - 01:27 PM

15B- if you think the last 4 words of the Star Spangled Banner, is, "gentleman, start your engines".

Mike Swiss
 
IRRA® Components Committee Chairman
Five-time USRA National Champion (two G7, one G27, two G7 Senior)
Two-time G7 World Champion (1988, 1990)
Eight-time G7 King track single lap world record holder
17B West Ogden AveWestmont, IL 60559, ( 708) 203-8003
mikeswiss86@hotmail.com (also my PayPal address) 
Note: Send all USPS packages and mail to: 5858 Chase Ave., Downers Grove, IL 60516
Make checks out to Chicagoland Woodworking, Inc.


#725 Dallas Racer

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 08:01 PM

You have to have the sound on for this.

 


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Phil Smith ® ™


#726 MSwiss

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 08:26 AM

Did you hear the one about the cannibal slot racer from North Carolina.

http://www.slotcarta...ro-and-question

Post #5
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Mike Swiss
 
IRRA® Components Committee Chairman
Five-time USRA National Champion (two G7, one G27, two G7 Senior)
Two-time G7 World Champion (1988, 1990)
Eight-time G7 King track single lap world record holder
17B West Ogden AveWestmont, IL 60559, ( 708) 203-8003
mikeswiss86@hotmail.com (also my PayPal address) 
Note: Send all USPS packages and mail to: 5858 Chase Ave., Downers Grove, IL 60516
Make checks out to Chicagoland Woodworking, Inc.


#727 Dave Crevie

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 03:33 PM

Rick Wakeman, keyboardist for the band "Yes", said that he had always been very close with his father. When Rick turned drinking age, his Dad told him he could go into pubs but he was to stay out of dirty, nasty, sleazy strip joints because he would see something shocking. So, of course, Rick went into the first one he found, and he saw his Dad.


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#728 Dave Crevie

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Posted 03 June 2017 - 01:57 PM

The other day I stopped by an upscale coffee shop for a cup of java, something I rarely do. Going in, I had

to pass two people handing out pamphlets. I rushed pass, trying to avoid any interaction with them, so I did

not notice who they represented. I got my coffee, and on the way out one of the pamphleteers stopped me

and said I should not be drinking coffee. I replied that there are many benefits to drinking coffee. The paper

passer said "Name one". "well", I responded, " It keeps me from becoming Mormon".


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#729 Markomatic

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Posted 04 June 2017 - 10:16 AM

A biker went into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. He takes them up to the cash register and the pharmacist says "That will be $5.95 with tax." He then asks the biker "Do you want a bag with that?" The biker replies "Naw, she is pretty good looking'"


Mark Miller

#730 Dave Crevie

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Posted 05 June 2017 - 01:35 PM

A group of archeologists had discovered some Incan burial caves in Peru. They began their investigations near the cave entrances, and found that the artifacts were between 2,500 and 3,000 years old.

 

As they went deeper into the caves, they came upon the cache of mummies, including male and female adults, plus children and infants of both sexes. They had all been preserved and neatly wrapped in linen.

 

While digging through the ancient bodies, one of the scientist found a small object, about the size of a sausage, wrinkled and dry as bone. The archeologist picked it up, and called one of the other scholars over.

 

"Look," he exclaimed," the petrified penis of a Peruvian prince!". The other scientist replied, "I believe you are wrong. It appears that some creep crept into the crypt, crapped, and then crept away." 



#731 Dallas Racer

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:58 PM


Phil Smith ® ™


#732 Cheater

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Posted 15 June 2017 - 04:59 PM

Some of the best-ever answers from the old Holly Squares TV Game show. If you remember this show (and most of the guests), you're old like me.

 

An oldie but a real goodie...

 

hollywood.squares.jpg


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#733 Dave Crevie

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Posted 16 June 2017 - 02:11 PM

I remember that show. There were some pretty good laughs. I hated game shows, but always got

outvoted by the family members who didn't. Hollywood Squares and What's My Line were two I could

almost stomach. 



#734 Dallas Racer

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Posted 22 June 2017 - 07:00 PM

I loved that show. One of the funniest shows on TV. :good:

Phil Smith ® ™


#735 Dallas Racer

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Posted 26 June 2017 - 11:49 PM

meme.png

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#736 MG Brown

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Posted 27 July 2017 - 11:33 AM

Screen Shot 2017-07-27 at 11.32.39 AM.png


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#737 Zippity

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Posted 31 July 2017 - 05:02 AM

A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I f****n didn't!"

----- ooooo-----

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

----- ooooo-----

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected 500ml of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?

The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n s***."



#738 Cheater

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Posted 01 August 2017 - 10:28 AM

Amazing, simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.

4. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day:

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they're pushed down the stairs.


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#739 Dave Crevie

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Posted 01 August 2017 - 01:25 PM

That got a smile out of me.



#740 Cheater

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Posted 01 August 2017 - 01:33 PM

Me, too, which is why I posted it.


Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#741 MG Brown

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Posted 03 August 2017 - 11:23 AM

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl:

 

"Will you marry me?"

 

The girl said "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and slot car racing a lot.

THE END


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"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#742 Cheater

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Posted 03 August 2017 - 07:31 PM

A father texts his son:

"My dear son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

My best love and good wishes.

Your Father."

His son texts back:

"Thanks, Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His father replies:

"I know."
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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#743 Dallas Racer

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Posted 21 August 2017 - 02:37 PM

athfleaist-2Bconvention.jpg


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#744 NSwanberg

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 04:53 AM

A guy goes in to a run down shabby but very busy bar in not the best part of town. He sits down at the bar and tells the bar tender, "I bet you 20 dollars you can mix a drink and I can tell you what is in it." 
 
So the bar keep thinks this is a way to make a fast 20 bucks and he agrees to take the bet. He mixes a straight up vodka martini but he slips a little white wine into the drink.
 
He hands it to the guy and he swirls it, sniffs it and doesn't even taste it but tells the keep exactly what it is. The keep is out 20 bucks and he asks  the guy if he would like  to go another round for double or nothing? 
 
The guys says sure and the keep goes off into the back of the bar and takes a large tumbler adding  jiggers of scotch whiskey, Drambuie, bourbon, vodka, gin and tequila to it along with a little dark port wine.
 
He then hands it to the guy, He swirls it, sniffs it, tastes it, spits it out, tastes it again, then drinks the entire glass. He then proceeds to tell the keep exactly what went into that concoction.
 
By now the bar keep is sort of angry and frustrated as he is out 40 dollars. He offers the guy to go double or nothing on another mixed drink analysis. The guy says sure, why not?
 
The bar keep goes in to the back room of the bar and he takes a small shot glass and he fills it with distilled water. He waits a couple of minutes and he brings it back to the guy at the bar.
 
He takes a long look at it. He swirls it. He sniffs it. He pours a little bit on his fingers and rubs it in between his fingers. He sticks his tongue in and tastes it. He takes a sip and spits it out while practically gagging on it. He takes another sip and has to force himself to swallow it. He sets it down.
 
He then says to the keep, "I don't know what the hell that stuff is but I know one thing for certain. You are never going to be able to sell it."

Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven

#745 Dave Crevie

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Posted 22 August 2017 - 02:12 PM

Must have been in Detroit. I was at a vintage race some years ago, and as was the norm, a large group of the racers met at a local tavern after the day's festivities. As I walked in, I noticed that there was a mirror running the length of the back bar. 

 

After a fashion I found the need to use the loo, which was located in another room behind the bar area. After I got in I realized that the mirror was one of those you could see through from the back side, so that as you used the pisser, it appeared that all the patrons at the bar were watching you. 



#746 Cheater

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 09:25 AM

Nelson,

 

Do you know the old joke attributed to W. C. Fields, who was a notorious drinker and who, during prohibition, always had large storage areas for booze bottles built under the rear floorboards of his cars (several of these still exist).

 

When once someone offered him a glass of water on a hot day, he recoiled in horror. "Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish (fornicate) in it!" Cleaned it up a little, of course... LOL!


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#747 Cheater

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 09:27 AM

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
 
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
 
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
 
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
 
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
 
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Yes."
 
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention, too:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much
4. And the maintenance costs are enormous!
 
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
 
God went to His celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
 
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#748 Dave Crevie

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Posted 29 August 2017 - 01:36 PM

Good one!

During my tenure as editor of the Austin-Healey Club newsletter, Wing Notes, part of the job was to compose ads for members wishing to sell cars or parts. When I retired from that position, a woman who had taken particular joy in pointing out my typos took over the job.

Well, one of my friends in the club decided this was a good opportunity to turn the tables, and submitted to her the following ad:
 
Needed to complete the restoration of early Sprite. Very tight rear end and good head.
 
It got published as it was submitted, and provided a lot of laughs amoungst us guys.
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#749 NSwanberg

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Posted 30 August 2017 - 03:18 AM

Nelson,

 

Do you know the old joke attributed to W. C. Fields, who was a notorious drinker and who, during prohibition, always had large storage areas for booze bottles built under the rear floorboards of his cars (several of these still exist).

 

When once someone offered him a glass of water on a hot day, he recoiled in horror. "Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish (fornicate) in it!" Cleaned it up a little, of course... LOL!

 

lol Yes, but I don't think fornication was the term he used. Something about being for unlawful carnal knowledge? Or maybe fornication under consent of king?


Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven

#750 MG Brown

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Posted 31 August 2017 - 11:49 AM

Those who know Paul Pedersen (Beuf) will get the joke.

 

Cracka-Lackin.png


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin






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