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Joke of the day


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#701 Zippity

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Posted 30 November 2016 - 07:57 PM

Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

 

Unexpectedly,the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
 
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
 
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
 
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
 
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 
 
The blind lady said,"No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." 

Picture this:
 
bdog.jpg

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!
 
Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
 
People scattered.
 
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story...

Have a great day and remember....

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED.

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#702 MG Brown

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Posted 02 December 2016 - 09:05 AM

Christmas Joke of the Day....

 

Three men were in an auto accident and died on Christmas Eve. They were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're sleigh bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of black lacy women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."


"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing." - Murray Walker

#703 MG Brown

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Posted 02 December 2016 - 09:10 AM

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.

 

The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 

He got an A.


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"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing." - Murray Walker

#704 Zippity

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Posted 04 December 2016 - 07:16 PM

One afternoon an Irishman goes into a Pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and says to the Chemist "could you taste this for me, please?"'

The Chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the Chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"My doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

*********************************


A very prestigious Cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

Covered in flowers, a huge heart, stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, the casket rolled inside, then the heart closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...

I'm a gynaecologist!'


The priest fainted!.....................

*********************************


You are driving in a 'compact' car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a sheer 'drop off' of about 500mm below the level you are travelling on, and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

Right in front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

For the answer, left-click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get off the merry-go-round, you're too pissed to be riding it. *

 


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#705 Zippity

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Posted 31 December 2016 - 06:48 PM

Did You Know That............


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

------------------------------


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough methane gas would be produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb,

and enough floating effluvium* to suffocate any survivors.

(Now that's more like it!)

Go look it up...

------------------------------

When it pumps out to the body, the human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

------------------------------

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

------------------------------

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

------------------------------

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

------------------------------

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..

(Hi Honey, I'm home.... What the...?)

------------------------------

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(Thirty minutes? Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

------------------------------

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be that tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

------------------------------

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

------------------------------

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

------------------------------

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

------------------------------

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

------------------------------

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

------------------------------

A cat's urine glows under a UV light.

(I wonder how much our government paid to figure that out.)

------------------------------

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

------------------------------

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

------------------------------

Polar bears are left-handed (pawed?).

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

------------------------------

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

------------------------------


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, and maybe even a chuckle..

In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)



Cheers, and all the best for 2017 thumbs.gif


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#706 Cheater

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Posted 12 January 2017 - 06:03 PM

Some of these are pretty good!

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  

At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.   

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"   

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."   

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"  

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."   

 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.  

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)   It is perfect formula for the child.
2)   It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)   It is always the right temperature.
4)   It is inexpensive.
5)   It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)   It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7)   It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. 

 

He got an A.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."  

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"  

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos.  Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. 

Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

* * * * * * * * * * 

 

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.    

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"   

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.  

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."  

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"  

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."  

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"  

She said, "Most of  them become taxi drivers."
 

* * * * * * * * * * 

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.  She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#707 Cheater

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Posted 24 January 2017 - 05:58 PM

Ambidextrous Lady Golfer

 

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transferred to another city and they're lost without him.

 

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

 

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 AM." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

 

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "OK."

 

She's there at 6:30 AM sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.

 

She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.

 

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

 

They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

 

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

 

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

 

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

 

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

 

The guys think this is hysterical.

 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#708 MG Brown

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Posted 29 January 2017 - 10:53 PM

A 30-something single woman wasn't feeling well one day, so she went to her doctor.

The doctor ran some tests, got the results and said to her, "I have good news and bad news.

The bad news: you're very sick, there's nothing we can do about it, and you have about six months to live.

The good news: I want you to go home, join every internet dating service you can, find a single slot car racer, and marry him."

She says to her doctor, "Wow, that's great – I had no idea being married to a slot car racer would make me live longer!"

Her doctor replies, "Well, it won't, but it will seem like it."
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"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing." - Murray Walker

#709 NSwanberg

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 01:47 AM

MG, whose wife sent that one to you? :laugh2:


Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven
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#710 MG Brown

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Posted 05 February 2017 - 04:39 PM

It originally was on a model railroading message board...
"You might not think that's cricket, and it's not. It's motor racing." - Murray Walker

#711 Cheater

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 11:37 AM

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
 
A rather attractive lady driving by in a new shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window, and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
 
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
 
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?"
 
Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off!...


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#712 Zippity

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Posted 28 February 2017 - 08:49 PM

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?'


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#713 Cheater

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Posted 10 March 2017 - 03:11 PM

Real life shades of gray

Back and forth... Back and forth...
In and out... In and out...

A little to the right... A little to the left...

She could feel the sweat on her forehead...
Between her breasts... And, trickling down the small of her back...

She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy... with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved...

Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backwards.
Again... and again...

Her heart was pounding now...

Her face was flushed...

She moaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder...

Finally... totally exhausted... she let out a piercing scream...

She shouted:

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#714 Zippity

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Posted 18 March 2017 - 09:14 PM

A bit late, but a good one:
 
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”



#715 Pappy

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Posted 19 March 2017 - 10:25 PM

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the questions required rearranging the letters "PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part, which is most useful when erect."


Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes by email and racing slot cars.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 






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