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#376 Cheater

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Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:51 AM

Lesson learned...

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap





#377 Cheater

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Posted 11 December 2012 - 11:55 AM

I have just read a document advising that we are going to receive a tax assist package from the IRS.

It spells out that it's a Complimentary Tax Software and Custom Backup USB Drive from the IRS.

Apparently you just plug in this USB drive and it automatically uploads and installs the IRS software to complete your taxes! The USB drive is yours to keep as a reminder of you having filed your income taxes with IRS for another year!

Just their way of saying "thank you" to the taxpayers!


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Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#378 RichKraft

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Posted 11 December 2012 - 02:53 PM

Looks like a dog humping a port.

Suppose the dogs name is BO? :)

 

Is it "thank you" that Bo is saying or is it "Fornicate You" ?

He is a bit of an arrogant mutt, that little dog named BO.

 

As the Jimmy's FIRM once said, it's radioactive. :bad:

 

Get the joke?


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"it's just Rich$Kraft"
*choppers and hotrods*

#379 Zippity

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Posted 17 December 2012 - 08:46 PM

Back Again and Stumbley :)  :) :)



#380 RichKraft

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Posted 28 December 2012 - 02:10 AM

zippity, i got a kick out of that one!


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#381 BackAgain

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Posted 13 January 2013 - 01:31 PM

Barack Obama to Bill Clinton...."How's Hillary's head?"

 

Bill to Obama....."It's OK, but not as good as Monica's"


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#382 Hot Deuce

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:15 PM

Dear Abby,
 
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
 
Signed,
Lost
 
 
Dear Lost,
 
Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel The world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for four more years.
 
Signed,
Abby
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John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#383 Cheater

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 11:11 AM

Guns or Women???

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#384 Gator Bob

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Posted 21 February 2013 - 07:39 PM

If Apple made cars? ..... Would they have Windows?


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                            Bob Israelite

#385 Cheater

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 10:54 PM

OK, so this isn't a joke, but I bet it will make you laugh a bunch.

 


Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#386 MG Brown

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 11:05 AM

A man sees a a very attractive woman at the supermarket waving at him.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

 

So he asks, 'Do you know me?' 

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. 

He asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?' 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


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#387 Hot Deuce

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Posted 12 March 2013 - 09:27 AM

Ye Cana Fool a Scottish Caddy:
  
During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard, President Obama
had been slicing off the tee on every hole.
 
He asked his Scottish caddy if he had noticed any obvious reasons
for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replied:
 
"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver."
  
The President picked up his driver and cleaned the club face, at
which point the caddy said:
 
"No, the other end."


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John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#388 Phil Hackett

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Posted 12 March 2013 - 04:12 PM

Not really a joke.... it's a game:

 

Obama Vs. Zombies


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#389 NSwanberg

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Posted 19 March 2013 - 01:22 AM

Menthink vs Womenthink 

 

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5 with a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450.  In one year, it would be $5400 correct?

Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 

Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?


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#390 Hot Deuce

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Posted 29 March 2013 - 02:09 PM

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.


The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.


“Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”


“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.


“Sure will,” replied the old-timer.


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


“That’s terrific!” said the hot shot. “Got any more tips for me?”


“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw”.


“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man.


“You bet it will, “said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.


“Wow!” exclaimed the cowboy “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?”


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”


The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


“No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”


“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.


“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won’t hurt near as much.


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#391 Hot Deuce

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Posted 02 April 2013 - 01:41 PM

MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA 

For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."


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John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#392 Hot Deuce

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Posted 03 April 2013 - 02:09 PM

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama...

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your *** it wouldn't be an accident either!" 

The teacher fainted!


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#393 Hot Deuce

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Posted 09 April 2013 - 03:40 PM

Untitled attachment 00028.jpg


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John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#394 Hot Deuce

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Posted 18 April 2013 - 06:49 PM

'Guy goes into a bar in Arkansas where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" 

The guy says, "Whiskey." 

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" 

The guy says, "168." 

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. 

The guy leaves... but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar. 

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" 

The guy says, "Whiskey." 

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" 

The guy says, "100." 

The robot then starts to talk about hunting, Budweiser, and Arkansas Razorbacks. 

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try  it one more time. He goes back into the bar. 

The robot says, "What will you have?" 

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. 

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" 

The guy says, "Uh, about 50." 

The robot leans in real close and says, "S0... you people...  still happy...with Barack Obama???"


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#395 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 30 May 2013 - 09:31 AM

In theme with Slotblog...

 

We had a track call for lifted braid in a turn recently here at our Longmont, CO raceway.

 

The track owner, Jim, pulled out his BlackBerry and started rubbing it back down with the side of the phone (or the case, not sure).

 

From the driver's station, I just couldn't resist...

 

"Man, I didn't know there was an app for THAT!"

 

Well, I though it was funny.


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Never complacent - striving to race to ever increasing levels of mediocrity!

 

The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Former Home Track - Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Noteworthy for the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#396 Hot Deuce

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Posted 06 June 2013 - 11:28 AM

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!!!

"What the f*** did you bring him here for?"

"beause he's thinking of getting married."
John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#397 Hot Deuce

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Posted 06 June 2013 - 02:37 PM

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four martinis… shaken, not stirred, and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer – it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price, plus they all have coupons..."


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#398 NSwanberg

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Posted 11 June 2013 - 01:58 AM

While on a tour of Washington D.C. with a group of high school students we were privileged to a very rare visit to the US Department of Agriculture building.

 

While touring the second floor offices I noticed two men who shared a cubicle just crying their eyes out. Big alligator tears were just streaming down their cheeks as they sobbed huge sobs. It was so sad. I figured they must have each lost a beloved parent or some such tragedy.

 

As the group moved on I sort of hung back and asked one of the gentleman why they were so upset. Between sobs and tears one of them was able to choke out this meek reply, “We just found out that our farmer died.” 


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SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven

#399 Hot Deuce

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Posted 13 June 2013 - 07:57 AM

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, Thank you for wonderful America ! 

That person puts up his hand and says, I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#400 BackAgain

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Posted 14 June 2013 - 09:22 PM

It seems a liberal in a hot-air balloon is lost and late for an appointment and descends to ask a conservative for directions. The conservative pulls out a GPS device and tells him exactly where he is.

“You must be a conservative,” the balloon man says. The man on the ground asks how he knows that. The reply: “Everything you’ve told me is technically correct, I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you haven’t been very much help so far.”

The conservative replies that the balloon guy must be a liberal. How does he know? The punch line:

“You don’t know where you’re going or where you’ve been, you’ve risen to where you are on hot air, and you made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. Now you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is, you’re in the same place you were before we met and now it’s my fault!”


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Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.





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