Jump to content




Photo

Joke of the day


767 replies to this topic

#751 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 31 August 2017 - 11:52 AM

Nelson,

 

Do you know the old joke attributed to W. C. Fields, who was a notorious drinker and who, during prohibition, always had large storage areas for booze bottles built under the rear floorboards of his cars (several of these still exist).

 

When once someone offered him a glass of water on a hot day, he recoiled in horror. "Water? I never touch the stuff. Fish (fornicate) in it!" Cleaned it up a little, of course... LOL!

 

Screen Shot 2017-08-31 at 11.51.09 AM.png

 

Screen Shot 2017-08-31 at 11.52.29 AM.png

 

Screen Shot 2017-08-31 at 11.54.34 AM.png

 

 


  • Tim Neja, NSwanberg and garyvmachines like this

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin





#752 Zippity

Zippity

    Posting Leader

  • Partial Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,600 posts
  • Joined: 05-March 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Wellington, New Zealand

Posted 19 October 2017 - 02:38 PM

A young monk arrives at a monastery. 
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk ponders 
"We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
The young monk gets worried, so he goes down to look for him.
He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk rushed over to him
"What's wrong, father?" he asks
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ... CELEBRATE!"


Advice for MEN when dealing with the fairer sex
• Never make a woman mad. They can remember stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.
• Arguing with a woman is like reading a software licence. In the end you just have to ignore everything and click “I agree.”
• Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
• Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong


  • Tex, NSwanberg and garyvmachines like this

#753 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22,423 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 03 November 2017 - 12:14 PM

Some old ones and some new ones...

 

Qestions that haunt me!

 

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

 

Can you cry under water?

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look  at things on the ground?

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a  hole in a boat?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

 

If electricity comes from electrons,  does morality come from morons?

 

Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


  • Tex, Tim Neja, Dallas Racer and 2 others like this

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#754 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 21 November 2017 - 05:19 PM

FakeNews9 has learned that the word "Yes" today declared itself to no longer be affirmative, citing years of under appreciation. 

 

From 8:35 Eastern Standard time, Yes will officially become and mean "No". Yes announced its decision to go "Trans-No" on CNBS's Rachael Maddow Show. 

 

Yes claimed that for centuries, it could never refuse anything, however inappropriate, and that "No" seemed to have all the power. "No always seemed so rigorous, thoughtful and final. People fear No. I never got that kind of respect", claimed the noun. 

 

In some quarters, the move has been met with criticism. The National Organization for Women issued a press release immediately, noting that women have effectively used yes as a negative for years with no consequences, and that they now stand to lose that vital, age-old tactic. 

 

Upon hearing of Yes' conversion to trans-no, several other nouns professed interest in a similar move, notably truth, being, and oneness. 

 

When asked for comment, holiness, however, refused to go on record. Justice is expected to plead the fifth later today. 

 

More as the story develops. Or trans-less. Or whatever.


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#755 Samiam

Samiam

    Posting Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,341 posts
  • Joined: 18-January 12
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Long Island, NY

Posted 21 November 2017 - 05:34 PM

First time I saw this CNN ad I thought it was pretty funny.....


  • Tim Neja likes this
Sam Levitch
 
"If you have integrity, nothing else matters, and if you do not have integrity, nothing else matters."
     Robert Mueller, special counsel (2013)

#756 ravajack

ravajack

    On The Lead Lap

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 423 posts
  • Joined: 17-February 06
  • Location:Sweden

Posted 24 November 2017 - 06:43 PM

:-)

Attached Images

  • 99BC6EC6-2A12-4149-B8F2-F09E358BD462.jpeg

  • Tim Neja and Dallas Racer like this
Bertil Berggren
Overseas Observer

#757 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 28 November 2017 - 11:24 AM

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs has been updated.jpg


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#758 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 12 December 2017 - 10:47 AM

Screen Shot 2017-12-12 at 9.43.43 AM.png


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#759 Don Weaver

Don Weaver

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Subscriber
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,221 posts
  • Joined: 26-October 07
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Lexington. SC

Posted 12 December 2017 - 11:30 AM

The "South" column is incorrect, at least here in South Carolina:

 

If there is a prediction​ of snow for tomorrow the schools have already been closed since day before yesterday  :laugh2: !!


Don Weaver
The supply of government exceeds demand.
L.H. Lapham
 
If the brain-eating amoeba invades Washington
it will starve to death...


#760 Racer36

Racer36

    Race Leader

  • Subscriber
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 591 posts
  • Joined: 09-October 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada

Posted 12 December 2017 - 11:31 AM

Comment heard from a marshall in a raceway this past weekend......." I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous"........... almost died laughing.


  • Tim Neja, NSwanberg and Samiam like this

Dennis Dominey

Lifelong half-assed slot racer


#761 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 13 December 2017 - 11:54 AM

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

 
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
 
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. 
 
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
 
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
 
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 
 
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
 
(You're going to hate me for this....)
 
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"

  • Racer36 likes this

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#762 Dave Crevie

Dave Crevie

    Race Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 869 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 09

Posted 13 December 2017 - 03:02 PM

Sounds like the young husband forgot that a marriage has three rings; the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.



#763 Eddie Fleming

Eddie Fleming

    Race Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 864 posts
  • Joined: 27-April 14
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Fayetteville, GA

Posted 14 December 2017 - 08:46 AM

In early December, four of Santa's elves got sick. When the trainee elves could not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa began to feel some Pre-Christmas pressure.
 
Then Mrs. Claus mentioned that her Mother was coming to visit, stressing Santa even more.
 
He went to harness the reindeer, and found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had gotten loose and were out, Heaven knows where.
 
Then, when he began load-testing the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked; the bag of toys fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
 
Frustrated, Santa went back in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
 
Opening the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, breaking it into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He got the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom
 
Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, only to find a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.
 
The Angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
 
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Not a lot of people know this.
 
You're welcome.

  • James Wendel likes this
Eddie Fleming

#764 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 14 December 2017 - 06:48 PM

In a Purdue University classroom recently, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

 

It's pretty simple. 

The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

 

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

 

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 
 

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"


  • NSwanberg likes this

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#765 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 14 December 2017 - 06:49 PM

00U0U_ahC4GN8BTWV_600x450.jpg


  • NSwanberg likes this

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#766 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 15 December 2017 - 04:03 PM

Santa Biker.jpg

 

Twas the night before Christmas, and out in the garage. Two Harley's were sitting...... a V Twin montage.

 

But all of the streets they were covered with snow.... Not a safe place to ride, not a spot on the road.

 

The tenders were plugged in and humming away. Keeping batteries charged on that cold winter day.

 

The chrome was all shiny, the paint bright and clean, But the weather outside, it was nasty and mean.

 

Then out in the yard I heard such a sound, But how can that be, there was no-one around?

 

Then out in the driveway was a thunderous roar, The unmistakable sound of a V Twin, big bore.

 

The driver was plump dressed in leather and black. A long beard of white and a big leather sack.

 

He went to the house and walked right through the door, Leaving gifts by the tree and gifts on the floor.

 

A helmet and shield and a new set of lights, to make the ride safe on those warm summer nights.

 

A new set of pipes just to make the bike sing. Chrome license plate cover, a bit of new bling.

 

Then back to his Bagger, old Biker Claus ran.

 

He fired it up and lifted the stand. And I heard him exclaim as he roared out of sight.

 

Safe riding to all, and to all a good night.

 

Merry Christmas my friends.
Safe riding in 2018


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#767 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 04 January 2018 - 04:24 PM

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him.

 

The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave but he didn't.

 

Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?"

 

"Nope. I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."


  • NSwanberg likes this

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#768 MG Brown

MG Brown

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Administrator
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 5,646 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:The Land of Lincoln, where governors make the license plates.

Posted 10 January 2018 - 03:48 PM

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor South American orphans.

 

I said, "No thanks - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin






Electric Dreams Online Shop