Jump to content




Photo

Joke of the day


822 replies to this topic

#401 Gator Bob

Gator Bob

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Banned
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,350 posts
  • Joined: 12-April 11
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Location:.

Posted 15 June 2013 - 12:01 AM

Good News
From the White House
 
 
 
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش
If I Hear
Anything Else,
I'll Let You Know

Posted Image
                            Bob Israelite




#402 Gator Bob

Gator Bob

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Banned
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,350 posts
  • Joined: 12-April 11
  • Gender:Not Telling
  • Location:.

Posted 15 June 2013 - 12:06 AM

It seems a liberal in a hot-air balloon is lost and late for an appointment and descends to ask a conservative for directions. The conservative pulls out a GPS device and tells him exactly where he is.

“You must be a conservative,” the balloon man says. The man on the ground asks how he knows that. The reply: “Everything you’ve told me is technically correct, I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you haven’t been very much help so far.”

The conservative replies that the balloon guy must be a liberal. How does he know? The punch line:

“You don’t know where you’re going or where you’ve been, you’ve risen to where you are on hot air, and you made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. Now you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is, you’re in the same place you were before we met and now it’s my fault!”

 Domino effect.

 

hot air.jpg


Posted Image
                            Bob Israelite

#403 Pappy

Pappy

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,271 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Oxford, OH

Posted 15 June 2013 - 06:14 AM

I was at an air show in Hamilton, Ohio when a big twin engine military helicopter took off and blew over six port-o-lets just like the one's in the picture. We waited to see if anyone came out but they didn't. Probably waited till after dark when everyone left. lol


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#404 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 18 June 2013 - 07:09 AM

Thomas Merton of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"

The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonderbread account.”


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#405 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 18 June 2013 - 05:21 PM

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. 

 

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. 

" Walter," responds the little boy. 

 

"And what is your question, Walter?" 

 

"I have four questions:"

 

First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?" 

Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?" 

Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?" 

Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?" 

 

Just then, the bell rings for recess. 

 

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. 

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? 

 

Oh, that's right: question time.. 

Who has a question?" 

 

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name. 

 

"Steve," he responds. 

 

"And what is your question, Steve?" 

 

Actually, I have two questions. 

First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?" 

Second, "What the *** happened to Walter?"


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#406 BackAgain

BackAgain

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,093 posts
  • Joined: 22-April 08
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:MO

Posted 27 June 2013 - 10:22 PM

Obama's Real Take on Voter Discrimination
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#407 BackAgain

BackAgain

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 11,093 posts
  • Joined: 22-April 08
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:MO

Posted 22 July 2013 - 08:50 AM

It Takes Jay Leno Only 19-Seconds To Blast ObamaCare
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#408 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22,962 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 25 July 2013 - 08:53 AM

Hysterical Air Tower Instructions
 
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
 
* * *

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
 
* * *

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"
 
* * *

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
 
* * *

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff?"
 
* * *

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
 
* * *

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
 "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
 
* * *

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers." 

* * *

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
 


* * *

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark... and I didn't land."

* * *

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. 

 
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
 "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#409 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22,962 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 25 July 2013 - 11:49 AM

Posting just because it's funny...

I was eating breakfast with my 13-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is the 20th of February?"

She said "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
  • Rusty Pinion likes this

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#410 Rusty Pinion

Rusty Pinion

    Race Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 975 posts
  • Joined: 02-March 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:north of Cheater

Posted 25 July 2013 - 01:40 PM

Little kid...."Grandpa..why did cavemen drag their women by their hair? "

 

Grandpa...." Because if you drag them by their feet...you'll fill 'em up with dirt..."


"Waddaya mean, it won't pass tech?"
Hugh Dudley

#411 NSwanberg

NSwanberg

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,041 posts
  • Joined: 01-April 09
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Canton, MI

Posted 28 July 2013 - 06:47 AM

Bear Essentials

 

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the Fish and Wildlife Service is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.
We advise the outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.
We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him in case of an encounter with a bear.

  • Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between Black Bear feces and Grizzly Bear feces. Black Bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly Bear feces has bells in it and smells like pepper.

Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven

#412 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 30 July 2013 - 04:05 PM

A
lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological Liar, a Muslim, a
Communist, and a Black Guy walk into a BAR. 

  

 

 

 

  

Bartender says; 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
    


    
   
"What'll it be, Mr. President?"


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#413 Rusty Pinion

Rusty Pinion

    Race Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 975 posts
  • Joined: 02-March 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:north of Cheater

Posted 31 July 2013 - 09:42 PM

A proper gentleman carried his wife out for night on the town. As they sat at their table in the nightclub...a staggering drunk wandered over to their table and sat down like he knew them. The man leaned over and told his wife .."if we ignore him..he may just go away". A minute later the drunk hiked one cheek up off the chair and ripped off a loud, paint peeling, slobbering fart. The man jumped up totally aghast and told the drunk..."How dare you fart before my wife!"

The old drunk looked him dead in the eye and said..."Gee buddy...I didn't know it was her turn..."


"Waddaya mean, it won't pass tech?"
Hugh Dudley

#414 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 02 August 2013 - 07:18 AM

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.  He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.  He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.  The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
 
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.  One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.  The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.  Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.  Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
 
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him.  "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.  "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
 
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?"
 
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied.  "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
 
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting.  By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#415 Phil Hackett

Phil Hackett

    Posting Leader

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,640 posts
  • Joined: 29-January 07
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:A Big Red Star on a Kremlin Map

Posted 05 August 2013 - 11:16 AM

Bud the Cowboy 

cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T iPhone® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" 


"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.” 

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT...
 
 
 

Click HERE to contact Sonic Products. The messenger feature on my Slotblog account has been disabled.

Posted Image

#416 Pappy

Pappy

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,271 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Oxford, OH

Posted 06 August 2013 - 11:19 AM

Catholic Hairdryer

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However,  instructions also advised that using a bit of
imagination was OK to  express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example  of those Teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through  Customs.....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked  the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course  child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive  hair dryer for her birthday.
 
It is unopened but well over the Customs  limits and I'm afraid they'll
 
confiscate it. Is there any way you could  carry it through customs
 
for me? Hide it under your Robes  perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I  will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question  you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go  first.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to  declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to  declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And  what do you
have to Declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have  a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to  date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,  Father. Next please!"


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#417 Pappy

Pappy

    Grand Champion Poster

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 13,271 posts
  • Joined: 16-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Oxford, OH

Posted 06 August 2013 - 06:38 PM

HAVE YOU  EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN  AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT  OLD. 

WELL .  . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS  ONE. 

MY  NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING  ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW  DENTIST. 
I  NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE  HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL,  HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD  BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS  AGO. 
COULD  HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON,  WAY BACK THEN? 

UPON  SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY  SUCH THOUGHT. 
THIS  BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED  FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY  CLASSMATE. 

AFTER  HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD  ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL  .. 

'YES.  YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH  PRIDE. 

WHEN  DID YOU GRADUATE?' I  ASKED. 

HE  ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU  ASK?' 

YOU  WERE IN MY CLASS!', I  EXCLAIMED. 

HE  LOOKED AT ME  CLOSELY. 

THEN,  THAT UGLY, 

OLD, 

BALD, 

WRINKLED  FACED, 

FAT, 

GRAY-HAIRED, 

DECREPIT, 

ASKED, 

'WHAT  DID YOU TEACH???    


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#418 Bruce Wayne

Bruce Wayne

    Mid-Pack Racer

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPip
  • 197 posts
  • Joined: 02-September 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Maryland Heights, MO

Posted 06 August 2013 - 08:49 PM

Sex And Good Grammar

 

For all my grammatically correct friends.

 

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

 

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was

rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

to the medicine man.

 

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

 

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and

then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "

1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

 


Bruce W. Frye

#419 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22,962 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 17 August 2013 - 10:48 AM

I think most of us are old enough to remember the comic Phyllis Diller. Here's a number of her one-liners.


Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbour .

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#420 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 21 August 2013 - 05:41 PM

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#421 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22,962 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 03 September 2013 - 06:44 AM

On oldie but a goodie, slightly revised, posted for those who might not have seen it.

* * * * *

ALERTS TO THREATS - 2013

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from Miffed to Peeved. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to Irritated or even A Bit Cross. The English have not been A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome to A Bloody Nuisance. The last time the British issued a Bloody Nuisance warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from Pissed Off to Lets get the Bastards. They dont have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate and Surrender. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed Frances white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the countrys military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.

The Germans have increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. They also have two higher levels: Invade a Neighbour and Lose.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels...

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from No worries to Shell be right, Mate. Two more escalation levels remain: Crikey! I think well need to cancel the barbie this weekend! and The barbie is cancelled. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,

John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#422 W. J. Dougherty

W. J. Dougherty

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,111 posts
  • Joined: 27-April 07
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Ashburn, VA

Posted 03 September 2013 - 07:48 AM

The French National Anthem...  Be patient, it starts at 2.36...

 

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=SySNkPAyYpk


Yortuk & Georg Festrunk

#423 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 16 September 2013 - 11:08 PM

The Bacon Tree   

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie  down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I  smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is  a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, doublesmoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, wees  saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with  that, Luis  staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up,aAnd Luis  drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath...

"Pepe... Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis, mi amigo... What ees  it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees....


Ees...

Ees...

Ees...
   

Ees...   

Ees...
   

Ees.... A ham bush..." 


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#424 Hot Deuce

Hot Deuce

    Checkered Flag in Hand

  • Full Member
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,748 posts
  • Joined: 18-April 11
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Now serving middle America

Posted 29 September 2013 - 01:39 PM

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired... 

  
Job Interview:
  
Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" 
Old Man: "Honesty." 
  
Personnel Manager:  "I don't think honesty is a weakness." 
Old Man:  "I don't really give a **** what you think."


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#425 Cheater

Cheater

    Headmaster of the asylum

  • Root Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 22,962 posts
  • Joined: 14-February 06
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Norcross, GA

Posted 30 September 2013 - 10:35 AM

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you  ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled  approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and  seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied...

"Go look in the garage."


Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap






Electric Dreams Online Shop