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#426 Cheater

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Posted 02 October 2013 - 09:40 PM

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap





#427 Hot Deuce

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Posted 05 October 2013 - 08:03 AM

Woman Shot in her own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.


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John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#428 Cheater

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Posted 21 October 2013 - 12:35 PM

Funny enough that it doesn't really matter whether it is true or not.

 

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The English guy lives in the French region of Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pissed as a fart...

 

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 

 

'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)... a Faugeres.'

 

'Then to finish off during the celebrations... and (hic) during the evening... me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's Black Label.'

 

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

 

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'


Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#429 Zippity

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Posted 21 October 2013 - 04:37 PM

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded as the result of a shipwreck:
 
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
 
One month later on these same absolutely stunning islands, the following
things have occurred:
 
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
 
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage-a-trois.
 
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
 
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
 
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
 
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
 
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
 
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
employees for their stores.
 
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature
of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her better than they do; how her relationship with her mother is
improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
 
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

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#430 Hot Deuce

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Posted 22 October 2013 - 03:01 PM

Putin allegedly said  off the record

 

"Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon.  

 

The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board, and then struts around like it won the game."


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#431 Hot Deuce

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 01:07 PM

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:

“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”

A physician called into a radio show and said:

"That's the definition of a stool sample".


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#432 Cheater

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Posted 31 October 2013 - 02:02 PM

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when…

10. You keep knocking on your own front door.
  9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.
  8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.
  7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, and you lose your balance and fall over.
  6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,' And you're not wearing a mask.
  5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'  And you can't remember the rest.
  4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
  3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.
  2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick or Treating...

  1. You keep having to go home to pee.


Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#433 Hot Deuce

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Posted 01 November 2013 - 08:25 PM

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and

asked him, "Granpa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that

she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know

to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

 

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about

human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her

mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

 

 

"Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well,

Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#434 Hot Deuce

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 09:12 AM

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!”

Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the reason.”

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!”

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course, I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room ... clothes are flying ... the talking stopped ... and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.

It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth ... you got it.”

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!?”

John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#435 Hot Deuce

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Posted 07 November 2013 - 09:19 AM

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS. 


25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. 


That's scary. 


It means 75% are running around untreated. 


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John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#436 Gator Bob

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Posted 08 November 2013 - 09:54 AM

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:


1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his
inauguration.
Obama used the very same Bible Lincoln used, for his
inauguration.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois.

Obama comes from Illinois .


3. Lincoln served in the Illinois
     Legislature.
    Obama served in the Illinois
   Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming
   President.
   Obama had very little experience before becoming
  President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to
  Washington for his inauguration.
   Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington
  for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was highly respected by some, but intensely
  disliked by others.
   Obama is highly respected by some, but intensely
  disliked by others.

7. Abraham Lincoln was a tall, skinny lawyer.
    Barack Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln held to basic Conservative and Christian
   views.
   Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln volunteered in the Illinois militia; once
   as a captain, twice as a private.
   Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln firmly believed in able persons carrying
    their own weight.
    Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

11. Lincoln was undeniably, and without any doubt,
      born in the United States .
     Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

12. Lincoln was honest - so honest that he was called
      'Honest Abe'.
     Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer

13. Lincoln preserved the United States as a strong
     nation, respected by the world.
     Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer.

14. Lincoln showed his obvious respect for the flag,
     U. S. Constitution, and the military.
     Obama is a tall, skinny lawyer

Amazing!!!!


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#437 W. J. Dougherty

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Posted 09 November 2013 - 01:45 PM

15.  Lincoln gave a world famous address at Gettysburg...


Yortuk & Georg Festrunk

#438 Hot Deuce

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Posted 09 November 2013 - 07:10 PM

15.  Lincoln gave a world famous address at Gettysburg...

and o skipped the 150 th  anniversary celebration


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#439 Hot Deuce

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Posted 13 November 2013 - 04:35 PM

 

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day
and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in
2014!"

 

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked
Harry.

 

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most
Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador
retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them
how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living
there."

 

So they did, and found just the place they were
looking for in Bozeman , Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside
and stepped up to the bar.

 

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey!
Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"

 

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town
you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take
in some local color."

 

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar,
and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would
listen.

 

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in,
walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged
his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old
rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath,
scratched his head and left the bar.

 

For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in,
lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their
heads.

 

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old
ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of
custom?"

 

"Lord no," said the
bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a
Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#440 BackAgain

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Posted 13 November 2013 - 09:14 PM

When you marry a girl from Arkansas Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Nebraska . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Iowa . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Arkansas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


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The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#441 Phil Hackett

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Posted 22 November 2013 - 09:41 PM

From an email----

 

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation. 

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?"

The
yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything...the sofa, the
curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, 
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab, "they reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?"

The
Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and 
trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the 
carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big 
hole
 in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm
a humper,"  said the Great Dane.  "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the 
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering

away"

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"


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#442 ravajack

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Posted 29 November 2013 - 01:08 AM

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
 
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
 
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
 
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
 
A few weeks passed by and there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Julia Roberts. That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
 
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
 
He said "Take the dog for a walk".

Bertil Berggren
Overseas Observer

#443 ravajack

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Posted 29 November 2013 - 01:12 AM

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
 
The man said to the dentist "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
 
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"
 
The dentist thought to himself "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain". So the dentist asks him "Which tooth is it sir?"
 
The man turned to his wife and said "Open your mouth Love, and show him..."
 

Bertil Berggren
Overseas Observer

#444 Hot Deuce

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Posted 01 December 2013 - 09:22 AM

hot air.jpg


John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#445 Phil Hackett

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Posted 03 December 2013 - 03:49 PM

I was doing some file maintenance and came across the graphic below.... 

 

 

stupida.jpg


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#446 Hot Deuce

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Posted 06 December 2013 - 10:26 AM

 
A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.
 
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
 
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.

John Lamb
 
If some is good - and more is better - then too much is just enough 

#447 Kyle Stokes

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Posted 17 December 2013 - 11:39 AM

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in  the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,  But on Fridays, I go fishing."

#448 Pappy

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Posted 17 December 2013 - 03:24 PM

I take my wife with me everywhere I go. I'd rather do that than kiss her goodbye.  :laugh2:


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#449 Pappy

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Posted 24 December 2013 - 08:46 AM

We've all heard of people having 'Guts' or having 'Cahones'. But, do 
you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, 
here are the definitions:...

GUTS - Is arriving home 
late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and 
having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying 
somewhere?'

Cahones - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, 

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on 
the butt and having the Cahones to say: 'You're next, Chubby!'

I hope this 
clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is 
no difference in the outcome.

Both are fatal


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Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#450 ravajack

ravajack

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Posted 28 December 2013 - 02:35 AM

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
 
The man below replied:
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
 
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
 
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
 
The man below responded:
"You must be in management".
 
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
 
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f-cking fault."

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Bertil Berggren
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