1326 replies to this topic

[Pappy]

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Regina, Saskatchewan.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

[Hot Deuce]

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first Redneck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off hunting', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us  related?"

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

 

 

 

[Gator Bob]

Received from a friend ...

 

Subject: FW: First patient in Chicago treated under Obamacare......
Date: Jan 4, 2014 10:41 AM

.

- I don't care who you are, now this is FUNNY!

 

Nation's First ObamaCare Clinic Opens ...

Man gets treated for his migraine headaches.

[Pappy]

I'd love to give obama that treatment. I'd pick up that bowl and clobber him.

[BackAgain]

Clare Valley winery in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines,  have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE

[Gator Bob]

Joe The Plumber

Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.

Joe drives to Obama's house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it's clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.

Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obama, who is standing near the door, that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes.

Obama asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, "$9,500."

"$9,500?" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy repair!"

"Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free," explains Joe. "It's always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers have to do business this way. It's known as 'Joe's Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014.' Surprised you haven't heard of it."

In spite of that, Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe's price, Obama does nothing. The leak under Obama's sink goes unrepaired for the next several days.

A week later the leak is so bad that Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk that the room will flood, so Obama calls Joe and pleads with him to return. Joe goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says, “Let's see - this will cost you about $21,000."

"A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Obama quickly fires back.

Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. "Well, because of the 'Joe's Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I'm doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day.

"Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there's a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they're not being replaced - nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won't make any money. I'm hurting now too - all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their fair share."

Obama tries to straighten out the plumber: "Of course you're hurting, Joe! Don't you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you'll be broke, and then what will you do?"

 

Joe immediately replies, "Run for president, apparently."

[Hot Deuce]

The Texas Midget

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told
him to drop his pants and he would have a look. 

 

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[Hot Deuce]

THE SENSITIVE MAN

 

A woman meets a man in a bar . They talk, they connect, and end up leaving the place together.

They get back to his place  and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along  the bottom shelf, medium bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears all along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine man to have such a large collection of teddy bears . She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking, and after awhile  she finds herself thinking.” Oh my god ! maybe this guy could be the one...”
“Maybe he could be the father of my children?”

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds  warmly.

They continue to kiss, and the passion builds.

He romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and coyly asks “ Well, how was it ?”

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, “Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”

[Hot Deuce]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

[ravajack]

  Management for the 21th century: Shitt happens all over.

[Pappy]

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."[/size]

[Foamy]

Bad Accident 
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. 
It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. 
"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." 
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" 
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 
The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. 
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. 
The man asks "Aren't you having any?" 
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[Hot Deuce]

David Feherty - CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER
 
He said one day, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group."
 
A few choice Dave Feherty quotes are below. If you watch golf on TV, he's often an announcer with a distinct Northern Ireland accent and a colorful way of putting things, . . . so to speak.
 
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind ... (he’s probably always on time delay these days).
 
Feherty Quotes:
 
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
 
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
 
"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
 
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
 
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

(I thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at that one.)
 
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
 
At Augusta 2011 –
"It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
 
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
 
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
 
"That green appears smaller than a pygmy’s nipple".

[Gator Bob]

          

[Hot Deuce]

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how slick I am? The
owner didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
 
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastry?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket!

[BackAgain]

Fishing...

 

[Hot Deuce]

Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business. 

[NSwanberg]

With apologies to the good people of Ohio whom I consider to be the most industrious in our nation.  If I ever get a weekend off I hope I will still be welcome to race there.  Remember, a sense of humor is not how well you tell a joke it is how well you can take a joke. 
 
A good joke you can remember who told it to you.  This one came to me by way of a pretty little lady from Texas working for the Merits Corporation.  She set it up with Texas and Texas A&M and of course she was an Aggie. 
 
Some jokes are better said than read and some jokes are better read than said.  This one needs a live audience but it still reads well.
 
GO!  GREEN!
 
Subject: Ohio State University's Bubba Roberts
 
It was the Friday before the big Michigan State University game and Ohio State University's star interior linemen Bubba Roberts had been declared academically ineligible.  There was a pep rally at the old shoe and the OSU crowd was getting restless and they were chanting louder and louder.  "Give Bubba a chance!  Give Bubba a chance!"
 
The academic dean of the university was there and he was afraid that the ever escalating enthusiasm of the crowd would shortly result in a riot.  He decided to call Bubba to the front of the stadium and address the OSU hopeful.
 
"Bubba you are failing your arithmetic class and you can't play Saturday, but we are going to give you a chance.  If you can answer this question you can play tomorrow against the dreaded Michigan State Spartans.  Bubba, what does 2 + 2 equal?"
 
Bubba pauses and thinks for a minute and then says, "Four."
 
The entire Ohio State University crowd lets out a collective gasp and then they start to chant, "Give Bubba a second chance!  Give Bubba a second chance!"

[Pappy]

Hey!  I'm from Ohio.

 

Can you tell it a little slower please? 

 

I'm also Irish and I love Irish jokes.

[Hot Deuce]

Ok - It was really O'Bubba.

[Cheater]

From Butch (didn't check if he'd already posted it here)...

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent, "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Ethel and Mildred.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm...

The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Ethel", whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Ethel.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Ethel?

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Ethel. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so, too", said Mildred, "but this one is eatin' my popcorn...!"

[Hot Deuce]

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump
in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' 
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbitch that pushed me in the pool!'

[Cheater]

Hillbilly Book of Manners

1.  Never take a beer to a job interview. 
2.  Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 
3.  It 's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 
4.  If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 
5.  Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. 

Dining Out
1.  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 
2.  Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. 

 

Entertaining in your Home
1.  A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 
2.  Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1.  While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys 
2.  Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 
3.  Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. 

Dating  (Outside the Family)
1.  Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 
2.  Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:  'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.' 
3.  Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.'  If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 
4.  Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat 
gal.' 

Weddings
1.  Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 
2.  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 
3.  For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 
4.  Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 
5.  It  is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. 

Driving Etiquette
1.  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 
2.  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 
3.  Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 
4.  When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 
5.  Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 
6.  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 

Two Reasons it is Hard to Solve a Hillbilly Murder
1.  All the DNA is the same. 
2.  There are no dental records

 

(Another great one from a Butch Dunaway email...)

[Pappy]

Greg, I didn't think you'd consider that a joke down in your part of the country. Almost didn't send it to you, thought you might be offended.   

[Cheater]

Heck, no, Butch, it's funny as all hell...

Of course, I knew most of those restrictions already... LOL!