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Joke of the day


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#26 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 04:43 PM

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins




#27 Dallas Racer

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 08:49 PM

Oh, that's right. Blacks can't be racist...LOL

LOL at you Gary.

Racism: hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Just as whites making fun of other whites isn't racist, nieither is blacks dissn' other blacks. :rolleyes:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted. "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."


Phil Smith ® ™


#28 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 09:20 PM

Racism: hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.


So, you are saying that blacks can be racist. Good to know you agree.

It matters not that they are black owned. They were using racism to make a point. It was funny. I watched it a few times. I laughed. I still say it is racist. Are you a racist for posting it? Am I a racist for laughing at it? I don't think so, but other's may feel differently.
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#29 GaryH

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 09:34 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything.” The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”


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Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#30 Foamy

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Posted 31 October 2009 - 11:13 PM

Middle aged woman walks into the living room naked...

Husband says, "Hun, why are you naked?"

Woman says, "This is my party dress tonight."

Husband says, "Well, you could at least iron the effing thing..."


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preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason."

#31 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 11:32 AM

So, you are saying that blacks can be racist. Good to know you agree.

Of course they are. I'd say blacks are more likely to be racist than whites are. Same with Hispanics.


It matters not that they are black owned. They were using racism to make a point.

If I made fun of white incestuous hillbillies, no one would think it racist, and that's exactly what they were doing. Blacks making fun of a sub group of their race that they don't approve of. That you consider this racist, is racist on your part Gary. ;)

Phil Smith ® ™


#32 GaryH

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 12:23 PM

I'd say blacks are more likely to be racist than whites are. Same with Hispanics.


You say this because of your earlier definition of racism being hatred and intolerance of other races? Do you really believe this?
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#33 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 12:59 PM

You say this because of YOUR earlier definition of racism being hatred and intolerance of other races? Do you really believe this?

It's not MY definition of racism, it's THE definition of racism. If yours is something other than that, you're wrong.

I don't understand what you're asking Gary. What exactly do you need clarification on?

Phil Smith ® ™


#34 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 02:22 PM

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-George W. Bush
-
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

Phil Smith ® ™


#35 GaryH

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 02:39 PM

I don't understand what you're asking Gary. What exactly do you need clarification on?



I was curious if you believed, as you said, that blacks and latinos were likely to be more racist than whites.


It's not MY definition of racism, it's THE definition of racism. If yours is something other than that, you're wrong.


There's more to racism other than hatred and intolerance.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each racial group possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another racial group or racial groups.

The Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority or inferiority of a particular racial group, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.

The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism as: "the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others."
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#36 Pappy

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 05:43 PM

Phil,

I'm not so sure G.W. said all those things.
Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#37 BackAgain

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 08:06 PM

He well could have Butch, he had a habit of saying dumb things....of course, he also had the ability to laugh at himself as well....which is a real rarity in any politician....
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#38 GaryH

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 08:52 PM

Check out this eBay auction.

Truth In Advertising
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#39 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 09:05 PM

I was curious if you believed, as you said, that blacks and latinos were likely to be more racist than whites.

Yes I do. Racism is not exclusive to white people.


There's more to racism other than hatred and intolerance.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, racism is a belief or ideology that all members of each racial group possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another racial group or racial groups.

The Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines racism as a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority or inferiority of a particular racial group, and that it is also the prejudice based on such a belief.

The Macquarie Dictionary defines racism as: "the belief that human races have distinctive characteristics which determine their respective cultures, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule or dominate others."

Ok. I won't argue that.

Phil Smith ® ™


#40 BackAgain

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 09:10 PM

A True Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowlycoming towards him and stopped.. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw acurve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and.....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breathe.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...


'Look Paddy...there's that 'fu**in idiot that got in the car while we were 'pushin it'!
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#41 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 November 2009 - 09:25 PM

Phil,

I'm not so sure G.W. said all those things.


He well could have Butch, he had a habit of saying dumb things....of course, he also had the ability to laugh at himself as well....which is a real rarity in any politician....

I kinda doubt he did too Butch. I just thought they were funny.

What's funny guys, is when he owned the Texas Rangers, they'd often interview him for the local news sportscast. He almost always had some funny to say and never struggled or misspoke. He handled himself very well. I thought of him as the President's cool son. Same when he was governor. I really don't remember anyone making fun of his public speaking, or fun of him at all. Then he runs for president and it seemed like overnight he transformed into a bumbling idiot. I really was shocked by it. To this day I don't understand it. :blink:

Phil Smith ® ™


#42 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 02 November 2009 - 06:33 PM

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan.

Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ***."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."



Keep it in the slot,

AJ
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Never complacent - striving to race to ever increasing levels of mediocrity!

 

The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Former Home Track - Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Noteworthy for the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#43 Dallas Racer

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Posted 02 November 2009 - 08:21 PM

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'


I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

Phil Smith ® ™


#44 RomanK

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Posted 04 November 2009 - 05:43 PM

So at the bar one Sunday evening Sam showed up with two big knots on his forehead, his buddy John asked "hey Sam, how'd you get those knots on your head" Sam replied "at church this morning" church" asked Sam, "yeah church, I was sitting behind this big ole gal and when we all stood up to sing a hym I noticed that her dress was all tucked up in her butt, well knowing how bad that feels and being the helpful soul I am, I reached up there and pulled it out for her, well she turned around and knocked a knot on my head" John said, "man that sucks, but how'd you get the other knot" Sam replied" well when she hit me for taking it out, I figured she wanted it up there and put it back..............

Roman Kormeluk


#45 BackAgain

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 07:31 AM

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,'
the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#46 RomanK

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 02:23 PM

After a rather tough landing involving multiple bounces the flight attendant on the flight got on the PA system and said" ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dallas Fort Worth International airport, please stay seated with your seat belts fastend while Capt Kangeroo taxi's what's left of our aircraft to the termial gate........

Roman Kormeluk


#47 BackAgain

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Posted 05 November 2009 - 06:41 PM

One in the same vein Roman...

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#48 Dallas Racer

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 02:05 PM

Two guys were walking down the street when they spot a dog licking its balls....

One guy looks at the other and says...

"Boy I wish I could do that!"...

The other guy turns to his friend and says ....

" You`d better pet him first, he looks kind of mean".

Phil Smith ® ™


#49 Mark Wampler

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 08:57 PM

:bad: :bad: Wow, I can't believe I read such sick stuff, YUK!
You can quote me.

-Mark

#50 Ecurie Martini

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 08:01 AM

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.
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