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Joke of the day


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#51 Pappy

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 09:26 AM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: That's one of the best one's yet. :laugh2:

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 





#52 Dallas Racer

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 08:50 PM

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices
a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it
much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after
a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it, even
imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him
so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.......

"That's me 6 months ago"

Phil Smith ® ™


#53 Rick Rothermel

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 11:16 PM

Did you hear about the new Obama Happy Meal at McDonalds?

Order whatever you want, somebody later will have to pay for it...
Rick Rothermel
SoCal
www.fueledbythefallen.com

#54 BackAgain

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Posted 10 November 2009 - 05:02 AM

Did you hear about the new Obama Happy Meal at McDonalds?

Order whatever you want, somebody later will have to pay for it...



And if you order it without fries, they will give them to you anyway...and force you to pay for them.
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#55 Pappy

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Posted 10 November 2009 - 09:15 AM

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a
major gathering of the American Indian Nation two
weeks ago in upstate NewYork .

He spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for
increasing every Native American's present standard
of living, since he has now become the President.

He referred to his career as a Senator, how he had
signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his
desk for approval.

Although President Obama was vague on the details of
his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future
ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented
Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name -
Walking Eagle

The proud President then departed in his motorcade,
waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how
they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird
so full of $hit it can no longer fly.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#56 BackAgain

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Posted 10 November 2009 - 09:34 AM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#57 NSwanberg

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Posted 10 November 2009 - 06:49 PM

There was a young Australian wrestler who beats
everyone in high school, then college, so he decides
to enter the Olympics. He does quite well, beating
everyone until there is only one match left and only
one wrestler to beat: the Russian. Well, naturally,
there is a big national hoopla about it. The Russian
against the Australian for the world championship!
There is much excitement about the contest and
everyone eagerly awaits the big match.

The day before the big match, the Australian's coach
takes him aside. "Okay, Look," Says the coach. "You
and The Russian are pretty evenly matched. But I have
to warn you about one thing. This guy has beaten the
last 20 people he has wrestled, and he's beaten them
all with a move he's got called the Pretzel Hold,
forget it; three's no way out. So be careful. Keep
mentally on top of it the whole match, and you can
beat him. But remember: watch out for the Pretzel
Hold!"

"Okay," says the wrestler, "Thanks, I'll be sure to
keep on my toes."

The day of the big match comes, and the stands are
full. All his friends and family are there, and all
the lights, TV cameras, reporters, and the eyes of the
nation are on this contest.

The Australian and the Russian both get out on the mat
and square off. They circle around each other a few
times and then grab each other. They fall to the mat,
locked in combat. It turns out to be a very exciting
match. First it looks like the Russian will win then
the Australian. It keeps going back and forth like
this for quite a while.

All of a sudden the Australian loses his concentration
for just an instant and WHAM! The Russian gets him
into the Pretzel Hold. And he's got him; he has him
pinned. The referee gets down on the mat and slaps the
mat once! Twice! And just as he is about to slap the
mat the third time, the Russian guy goes flying up in
the air. He goes up so fast and comes down so hard
that he is stunned for a moment. The Australian jumps
on him, pins him, and wins the match.

The crowd goes crazy, everyone screaming and cheering.
The stands erupt and everyone goes onto the floor,
surrounding the Australian. All the reporters are
gathered around him, and they say to the wrestler,
"That was incredible! Fantastic! No one has ever
gotten out of the Pretzel Hold before! How did you do
it?"

"Well," says the wrestler, "I lost my concentration
for just an instant, and that guy got me into the
Pretzel Hold so fast it made my head spin. I heard the
referee slap the mat once, twice-and just as he was
about to slap it the third time, I looked up and saw a
gigantic pair of balls, so I bit them, and got out of
the Pretzel Hold."

"That's fantastic," says the reporter. "It takes a lot
of strength to get out of a hold like that."

The Australian says, "Mate, you have any idea how
strong you get when you bite your own balls?"
Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven
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#58 BackAgain

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Posted 10 November 2009 - 07:11 PM

That is funny.....
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#59 Pappy

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Posted 11 November 2009 - 09:07 AM

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day, he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#60 stumbley

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Posted 11 November 2009 - 10:39 AM

The funniest joke I've heard recently:


"Barack Obama is the greatest president ever!"

Nearly died laughing.
Stan Smith
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No one is completely useless - you can always serve as a bad example." -PartiStan

Democracies endure until the citizens care more for what the state can give them than for its ability to defend rich and poor alike; until they care more for their privileges than their responsibilities; until they learn they can vote largess from the public treasury and use the state as an instrument for plundering, first those who have wealth, then those who create it -- Jerry Pournelle.

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action. - George Washington

Things that are Too Big To Fail sooner or later become like Queen Bees, the Alpha and Omega of all activity, resulting in among other things, the inability to think of anything else but servicing them. - Richard Fernandez, The Belmont Club

#61 Pappy

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Posted 11 November 2009 - 02:19 PM

Akhmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East . He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'


The doctor said ĒYou were homesick.Ē

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#62 Dallas Racer

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Posted 11 November 2009 - 10:31 PM

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
Consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and
makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and
the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the
young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a
strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting,
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him
triumphantly:

"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!

Phil Smith ® ™


#63 GaryH

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 06:20 PM

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded
on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.


The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.


That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon,
the man started to get 'those feelings again..


He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.


He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#64 BackAgain

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 09:42 AM

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing.. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?''
It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Illinois and get another one?
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#65 BackAgain

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 09:52 AM

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay
with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No ', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#66 The Bugman

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 10:16 AM

bad.gif bad.gif Wow, I can't believe I read such sick stuff, YUK!


Mark thats how WE feel about 3/4 or better of your stuff too,,,,,lol,,, :blink:
these are just jokes,,,keep em goin guys,,,, :laugh2:
Oscar Morales
8/16/49-9/18/13
Requiescat in Pace

#67 Dallas Racer

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Posted 14 November 2009 - 09:30 PM

HISTORICAL QUOTES

SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Brooke Shields

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
- Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Phil Smith ® ™


#68 A. J. Hoyt

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Posted 16 November 2009 - 12:48 PM

Many may have seen these before but they still make me laugh, moreso now because of my deep and ever-increasing appreciation for attorneys.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________________________________________________

ATTO RNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh!++in' me?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? Please!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


(Actually, nowadays, this is a valid question in a courtroom setting - AJ)

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

________________________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doc tor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



Keep it in the slot,

AJ


During my six years of Retro racing, my aspiration to be a mediocre racer has come and gone; my peers now assure me I have peaked (some time ago)!
 
The only thing I know about slot cars is if I had a good time when I leave the building! I can count the times I didn't on one hand!

Entitlement:
The notion that one can have their slot car racing and EAT IT, too!

Slot Car Speedway and Hobbies
, Longmont, CO, Home of the 155' Hillclimb track featuring the THUNDER-DONUT - "Two men enter; one man leaves!"


#69 Dakolector

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Posted 17 November 2009 - 03:46 PM

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied, "Our sitter's boyfriend."

#70 stumbley

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Posted 17 November 2009 - 05:42 PM

Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Hmmm...our current president has a law degree.....
Stan Smith
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"No one is completely useless - you can always serve as a bad example." -PartiStan

Democracies endure until the citizens care more for what the state can give them than for its ability to defend rich and poor alike; until they care more for their privileges than their responsibilities; until they learn they can vote largess from the public treasury and use the state as an instrument for plundering, first those who have wealth, then those who create it -- Jerry Pournelle.

Government is not reason, it is not eloquence, it is force; like fire, a troublesome servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action. - George Washington

Things that are Too Big To Fail sooner or later become like Queen Bees, the Alpha and Omega of all activity, resulting in among other things, the inability to think of anything else but servicing them. - Richard Fernandez, The Belmont Club

#71 Dallas Racer

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Posted 18 November 2009 - 10:31 PM

Then In Walks The Dog


Dinner party for 8... $250

Wine for guests... $80

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all

settling down for

a nice relaxing

evening dinner,

then

in

walks

the Dog...

......

.....

.....

PRICELESS!

dog.jpg


Phil Smith ® ™


#72 Pappy

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 08:17 AM

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily .

The funny thing is that it really does work.


1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7 The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of Nancy Pelosi, the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#73 Mr. Frank

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 09:58 AM

Then In Walks The Dog


Dinner party for 8... $250

Wine for guests... $80

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all

settling down for

a nice relaxing

evening dinner,

then

in

walks

the Dog...

......

.....

.....

PRICELESS!

dog.jpg


THAT'S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank Elavsky
5/20/60-2/9/12
Requiescat in Pace

#74 Ron Hershman

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 10:09 AM

WHY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well.....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Attached File  zballs.htm   836.31KB   62 downloads

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man only has 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.

#75 The Bugman

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Posted 19 November 2009 - 10:23 AM

Naked Cowboy



A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '

'And here I am..'

Son of a Gun.. Blonde Men do exist! :laugh2: :laugh2:
Oscar Morales
8/16/49-9/18/13
Requiescat in Pace

#76 GaryH

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Posted 22 November 2009 - 07:58 PM

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?'

Bill says, 'Well I got this magic lamp with a genie.'

So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?'

Bill says, 'Sure.' and hands him the lamp.

Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says, 'I want a million bucks'.

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!

Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!'

Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?'

Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#77 Dallas Racer

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Posted 24 November 2009 - 08:53 PM

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; ďFrance only wins when America does most of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the last time, Germany plays the role of drunken frat boy to Franceís ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage", or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria. The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on high that the French are not helping us!


Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country?
A: I don't know either, its never happened!

Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French?
A: "Speed bump ahead"

Q: Whatís the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!



Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? Don't want their record for surrender broken.

Q: Why do French people always wear yellow?
A: To match the color of their blood!

Q: What's the easiest way to get lung cancer?
A: Breath the air in Paris!


During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh



"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller


The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!


Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman


Going to war without France is like going to marine boot camp without your Liza Minelli CD's


Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.


President Bush and the French ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The French ambassador did not understand. It seems there is no word for "bath" in French.


Q: How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five! - One to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing. - The second to turn tail and run. - The third to roll over. - The forth to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces. - And the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before


Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.


The real reason the French have not mobilized in the war with Iraq is they were covertly asked not to participate with the coalition. Seems the British, Americans and everyone else had logically concluded that having both sides of a war trying to simultaneously surrender would be too confusing.


"We didn't need the French after all, the Iraqis are starting to surrender before the fighting starts, guess they knew the French maneuver already."

Phil Smith ® ™


#78 MrWeiler

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Posted 30 November 2009 - 06:06 AM

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"


The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow..."
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#79 GaryH

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Posted 02 December 2009 - 11:22 PM

It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

Whatís the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldnít decide between a wood and an iron

Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesnít fare very well on the driveway.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball.

Why was Tigerís wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in Australia.

What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGERíS WIFE MAKES THE CUT

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?


What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? Theyíve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
Colts and Kimbers are what you show your friends.
Glocks are what you show your enemies!


Gary Hopkins

#80 Foamy

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Posted 03 December 2009 - 01:27 AM

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BACKSIDE THAN YOURS!
...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....
Then you are just an old sour fart;

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!

Dennis Hill
 
"Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie,
preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason."

 


#81 MrWeiler

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Posted 04 December 2009 - 12:49 AM

Tiger Woods is changing his first name to Cheetha...
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#82 MrWeiler

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Posted 18 December 2009 - 06:20 PM

Tiger collectable plates now available.... :laugh2:


"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#83 68Caddy

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Posted 18 December 2009 - 10:09 PM

Father Mike I like.Posted Image

Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#84 n9949y

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Posted 19 December 2009 - 12:51 AM

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said,

'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for JP Morgan.
Todd Messinger

Remember folks, traffic lights timed for 35 MPH, are also timed for 70!

#85 68Caddy

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Posted 19 December 2009 - 01:06 AM

That's a good one thank you I sure needed that one. :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: Are you trying to kill me? :laugh2:

Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#86 MrWeiler

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Posted 19 December 2009 - 07:54 AM

There was a man who wanted to find the perfect gift for his wife. He went to the store and asked the salesclerk and asked him what he should get his wife. The salesclerk brought out a parrot. The salesclerk said, this is no ordinary parrot, if you light a match under it's right foot, it plays Silent Night, if you light a match under it's left foot, it plays Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The salesclerk made sure to tell him that the name of the parrot is Chet.

The man thought it would be great, so he took it home. He let his wife open it early, since it was a living thing. He told her what great songs it played. They wondered what it would play if they lit a match under it's crotch. So, they did.
v
v
v
v
v
v
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v
v
v
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The parrot sang "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#87 MrWeiler

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Posted 19 December 2009 - 08:06 AM

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#88 Pappy

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Posted 06 January 2010 - 09:21 PM

An Irish Misunderstanding
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father barked
at her.
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother thru?
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute....'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Yearís Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ....'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' said Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff......a prostitute, Dad!' Sniff, sniff.
'Oh! Be Jaysus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!'

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#89 MrWeiler

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Posted 08 January 2010 - 04:11 AM

Question: What brand of underwear is the favorite of all the tighty whitey terrorist bombers?
v
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Why "Fruit of the BOOM" of course.....What else? :laugh2:
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#90 BackAgain

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Posted 09 January 2010 - 08:25 AM

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#91 BackAgain

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Posted 09 January 2010 - 08:40 AM

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the KC Chiefs Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.Ě
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#92 BackAgain

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Posted 09 January 2010 - 08:48 AM

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years, but I did it in a month!"
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#93 BackAgain

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Posted 09 January 2010 - 08:52 AM

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The rest of the European community (except France) are sending money.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

England, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity!
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#94 Tex

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Posted 09 January 2010 - 01:14 PM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

***


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter
Richard L. Hofer

Remember, two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts do! Only you're a block over and a block behind.

#95 The Bugman

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Posted 13 January 2010 - 03:18 PM

PSALM 2009

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog .....
And Obama was a tree.












--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Oscar Morales
8/16/49-9/18/13
Requiescat in Pace

#96 Dallas Racer

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Posted 17 January 2010 - 11:34 AM

GHOST SEX

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, thatís a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"Thatís really good. Iím really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"Thatís fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years Iíve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. Youíve got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what itís like to have sex with a ghost?"












Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats."

Phil Smith ® ™


#97 MrWeiler

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Posted 18 January 2010 - 04:03 PM

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in the Piedmont area of North Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You know, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. .............

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#98 68Caddy

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Posted 18 January 2010 - 11:39 PM

:laugh2: Good one. ;)

Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#99 MrWeiler

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 06:47 AM

A man in Oregon was arrested after police searched his car and found a half-pound of marijuana, mushrooms, hashish, two rifles, a machete, and a samurai sword.
V
V
V
V
V
V
Or as TSA screeners would call it, ďnothing suspicious.Ē
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#100 Pappy

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Posted 19 January 2010 - 10:40 PM

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK

A public school teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did
not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said.
"They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like
'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,', but we have
determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are three
sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would
have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters
they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
President; It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 






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