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Joke of the day


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#101 MrWeiler

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Posted 22 January 2010 - 03:48 PM

> > A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to
> meet, and have a
> > dinner with her parents.
> >
> > Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
> her boyfriend that
> > after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
> for the first time.
> >
> > The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
> so he takes a trip
> > to
> > the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
> pharmacist it's his first
> > time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
> hour. He tells the boy
> > everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
> the register, the
> > pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
> buy, a 3-pack, 10-
> > pack, or family pack.
> > The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks
> he will be rather
> > busy,
> > it being his first time and all.
> >
> > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
> house and meets his
> > girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to
> meet my parents,
> > come on in!
> >
> > The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
> where the girl's
> > parents are seated.
> >
> > The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
> A minute passes,
> > and
> > the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
> >
> > 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
> Finally, after 20
> > minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
> and whispers to the
> > boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.
> >
> > The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea yourfather was a
pharmacist.
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian




#102 BackAgain

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 06:51 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew alot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town
and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town oneSaturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra..." with trembling hands, he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."

Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#103 Tex

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 07:16 PM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Richard L. Hofer

Remember, two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts do! Only you're a block over and a block behind.

#104 68Caddy

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Posted 23 January 2010 - 07:36 PM

Pappy
You got the best ones that's for sure, thanks I needed that. :laugh2:

Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#105 Pappy

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Posted 24 January 2010 - 10:45 PM

Reading this will enlighten you

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#106 Pappy

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Posted 25 January 2010 - 06:58 AM

Drafting Guys Over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ***-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#107 RomanK

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Posted 25 January 2010 - 10:23 AM

While this isn't something to make light of we do need a chuckle every now and then...


Alert Levels Around the Globe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be
raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The
English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last
time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This
is the reason they have been used on the front line in the
British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The
rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly
and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and
"Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out
of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air
force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper
airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's
bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "****, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation
levels remain, "Crikey!, I think we'll need to cancel the
barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled". So far
no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation
level.

Roman Kormeluk


#108 Pappy

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Posted 25 January 2010 - 11:00 AM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Best one yet.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#109 Ron Hershman

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Posted 25 January 2010 - 11:54 AM

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to

the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to
have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the
electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on
so the snowplows can get through?"


With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

#110 Dallas Racer

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Posted 25 January 2010 - 02:21 PM

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

That made me laugh out loud. :laugh2:

The French one is an old favorite of mine. I believe I posted it in this thread a while back.

Phil Smith ® ™


#111 BackAgain

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Posted 25 January 2010 - 07:38 PM

Thanks guys, just what was needed after a hard day....a good laugh.... :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#112 Larry LS

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 06:33 PM

Some jokes just hit the tickle spot.

Every once in awhile you hear a good joke that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.


Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St..Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Larry Shephard
1937-2011
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#113 Pappy

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Posted 02 February 2010 - 07:12 PM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#114 Indiana Outlaw

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 06:33 PM

Better behave your self !!

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said........
"Nope...You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
Doug Demski
I have done so much
with so little
for so long
I am now qualified
to do anything
with nothing.

#115 Rick

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Posted 03 February 2010 - 07:53 PM

The Lexington, Kentucky Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kentucky River just west of the Clays Ferry Bridge.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


The Police do care.
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#116 Indiana Outlaw

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Posted 06 February 2010 - 10:29 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact.

"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!
What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch
(you'd be proud - lots of greens)
another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly ..... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona"
_________________
Doug Demski
I have done so much
with so little
for so long
I am now qualified
to do anything
with nothing.

#117 MrWeiler

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Posted 08 February 2010 - 02:32 AM

A wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#118 MrWeiler

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Posted 08 February 2010 - 02:32 AM

A wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#119 Pappy

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Posted 11 February 2010 - 08:20 AM

I'm not really sure this one should be put under Joke of the Day since it has so much truth in it.

Catholic Church Declares Pelosi a "Saint."



Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint....CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS ?

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.
She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with,
"But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#120 Ron Hershman

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 09:14 AM

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo!!!....bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ....power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.


September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. "duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)




"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

#121 NSwanberg

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Posted 15 February 2010 - 12:04 AM

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the
first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes,
takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders
quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and
goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman
sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her
nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes
yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose
and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to
the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose
then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals,
or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I
have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even
more curious says, "I've never heard of that before.
What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven
Posted Image

#122 68Caddy

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Posted 15 February 2010 - 12:09 AM

Damn good one. :laugh2: :laugh2:


Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#123 Ron Hershman

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Posted 17 February 2010 - 08:47 AM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a
nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front
door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

#124 BackAgain

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Posted 19 February 2010 - 07:41 AM

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

However, he defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the Essex, Liverpool, Swindon, North Kent and Wolverhampton continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise.

Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#125 Jeff Buyer

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Posted 20 February 2010 - 03:41 PM

Robotic Bartender:



A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',

'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break through',

etc........

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a

different tact... He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing politics, NASCAR racing, and the Superbowl.


The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?

This time the man drawled out "Uh.....'bout 50".



The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,



"So . . . what's it like being a USRA Division I Tech Nazi?

#126 TSR

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Posted 20 February 2010 - 05:12 PM

:laugh2:

OOOOH, that's MEAN! :)

Philippe de Lespinay
 
"We are the D..., uh, the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile"


#127 Pappy

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Posted 20 February 2010 - 05:17 PM

The Chicago Doctor

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
Took the Kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks..

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

'A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind.. We
took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House,
and now half the country is looking for work.

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#128 Horsepower

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Posted 20 February 2010 - 05:27 PM

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Gary Stelter

#129 68Caddy

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Posted 20 February 2010 - 11:24 PM

Pappy
You are the King of comedy. :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Thanks way good.

Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#130 Dallas Racer

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Posted 26 February 2010 - 08:44 PM

Larry the Cable Guy's Proverbs

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of Politicians give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Phil Smith ® ™


#131 Indiana Outlaw

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 10:10 AM

Two rednecks sitting at the counter at a diner noticed a woman coughing
excessively at a table. One got up and walked over to the woman and
asked"You alright?" The lady shook her head NO!
He then asked "You choking?" The lady shook her head YES.
He immediately pulled her pants down and licked her right across her butt!
The lady was so shocked that she spit up the obstruction and was fine.
The ol' boy walked calmly back to the counter and sat down.
His buddy said you know, I have heard about that hind lick maneuver but have never seen it used before
Doug Demski
I have done so much
with so little
for so long
I am now qualified
to do anything
with nothing.

#132 Pappy

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Posted 27 February 2010 - 10:20 AM

barack obama

Well, this is the joke of the day thread, isn't it? :laugh2:

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#133 Tex

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Posted 04 March 2010 - 10:42 AM

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Richard L. Hofer

Remember, two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts do! Only you're a block over and a block behind.

#134 68Caddy

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Posted 04 March 2010 - 11:34 PM

Richard lol this is one of the best ones in a long time, and its so true. :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: Got some more?

Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#135 MrWeiler

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 03:07 PM

Last Rites


A bus on a busy street struck an old man.



He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.



"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.



Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.



A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"




Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.




"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest... I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."



The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.




The old Jewish man knelt down,
leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:




B-4 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 .... O-72
"TANSTAAFL" (There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.)
Robert Anson Heinlein

"Democracy and socialism have nothing in common but one word, equality. But notice the difference: while democracy seeks equality in liberty, socialism seeks equality in restraint and servitude."
Alexis de Tocqueville

"In practice, socialism didn't work. But socialism could never have worked because it is based on false premises about human psychology and society, and gross ignorance of human economy."
David Horowitz

Mike Brannian

#136 Jacob Shiplet

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 03:11 PM

THE WALL



Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it...



'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.



The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'



POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.



Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'



POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.



The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'



The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'


Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

#137 NSwanberg

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Posted 10 March 2010 - 02:02 AM

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating
meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks
was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they
finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and
suggested that he become a Catholic.After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic. 'Bubba's neighbors were
greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful
aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was
called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's
yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven
Posted Image

#138 Jacob Shiplet

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Posted 10 March 2010 - 08:24 AM

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.

#139 proptop

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Posted 12 March 2010 - 06:38 PM

A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's *** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Tom Hemmes
Insert witty phrase here...

#140 68Caddy

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Posted 12 March 2010 - 09:37 PM

Thanks Tom
Way funny. :laugh2: :laugh2:


Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#141 BackAgain

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 08:19 AM

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going to $hit yourself when I tell you the price ."


Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#142 Rick Rothermel

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 12:46 PM

A friend of mine was in a car accident yesterday...
Got rear-ended by a Smart Car.
Not as serious as first thought...
onlt took the hospital a couple of hours to remove it and send him home.
Rick Rothermel
SoCal
www.fueledbythefallen.com

#143 BackAgain

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 09:03 PM

Just received this by email.....

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to
$hit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although
hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day
both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened.. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite
the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract,
I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred
to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure
of just when, I
bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the
store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It
wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from
the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what
I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh,
$hit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
chilies from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
their way through the small intestines, forcing their way
into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud
the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure
seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to
move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned
clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that
refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to
relate. I could've warned that poor clerk,
but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an
invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses
and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms
about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With
each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my
nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.
'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store
towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took
place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating
above the toilet seat because my a$$ is burning SO BAD,
purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'... He
made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-bitch, did it smell that bad when you ate
it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping
when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you
might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and,
pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more
bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I
can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to
have to repaint the store.
Paul Tisdale
The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

#144 68Caddy

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Posted 13 March 2010 - 09:12 PM

Paul
Still laughing way funny, got to email this one, thanks. :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:


Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#145 Pappy

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Posted 15 March 2010 - 05:40 PM

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went toAmerica, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of o ne of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#146 ravajack

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Posted 17 March 2010 - 09:22 AM

Posted Image

Posted Image

Posted Image

Posted Image

Posted Image

Posted Image
Bertil Berggren
Overseas Observer

#147 Pappy

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Posted 18 March 2010 - 07:30 PM

-----A man, seeking to join a Texas Sheriff's Dept. in Denton Texas, is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Liberal Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we're looking for," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#148 Pappy

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Posted 19 March 2010 - 06:53 PM

Rules for Bullsh!t Bingo....at least it will keep you awake!

1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "Bullsh!t
Bingo" card by drawing a square

I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five
across and five down.

That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

. Restored our reputation
. Strategic fit
. Let me be clear
. Make no mistake
. Back from the brink
. Signs of recovery
. Out of the loop
. Benchmark
. Job creation
. Fiscal restraint
. Win-win
. Affordable health care
. Previous Administration
. Greed on Wall Street
. At the end of the day
. Empower (or empowerment)
. Touch base
. Mindset
. Corporate greed
. Ballpark
. Game plan
. Leverage
. Inherited as in "I inherited this mess"
. Relief for working families

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.



4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand
up and shout

"BULLSH!T!"


Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullsh!t Bingo" players:

"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won." -
Jack W., Boston

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically." - David D.,
Florida

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win." -
Bill R., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the
fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSH!T!" for the third
time in two hours." - Harry A, Chantilly

"This is the most fun I have ever had with my pants up!" Robert H. Portland

Jim "Danger" Dunaway aka Butch
 
Danger is my middle name, that's why I race slot cars.

 

Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
"In the beginning of a change, the PATRIOT is a scarce man, and brave and hated
and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it cost
nothing to be a PATRIOT." - Mark Twain, 1904

 

 


#149 68Caddy

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Posted 19 March 2010 - 07:02 PM

Thanks Pappy. :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Love this one also

-A man, seeking to join a Texas Sheriff's Dept. in Denton Texas, is being interviewed.

.


Nesta
- Gabriel
Nesta Szabo

In this bright future you can't forget your past.
BMW (Bob Marley and the Wailers)

United we stand and divided we fall, the Legends are complete.
I'm racing the best here at BP but Father time is much better then all of us united.
Not a snob in this hobby, after all it will be gone, if we keep on going like we do, and I have nothing to prove so I keep on posting because I have nothing to gain.
It's our duty to remember the past so we can have a future.

Pistol Pete you will always be in my memory.

#150 RomanK

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Posted 19 March 2010 - 07:10 PM

http://slotblog.net/...showtopic=21190


this is the joke of the day thread, right? :laugh2:

Roman Kormeluk






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