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Joke of the day


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#776 Pablo

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 10:43 PM

:)


Paul Wolcott




#777 MG Brown

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:33 AM

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

 

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

 

The old man didn't budge.

 

The usher became more impatient.


"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

 

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.


Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

 

Finally they summoned the police.

 

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

 

"Steve," the old man moaned.

 

"Where you from, Steve?" asked the police officer.

 

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Steve replied;

 

"The balcony"....


"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#778 Dave Crevie

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 01:15 PM

another one for your Steven Wright list: Do unto others before they have a chance to do unto you.



#779 MG Brown

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 02:44 PM

Waitress says, "Say when" while grating my cheese.

 

I never say when. The room fills with parmesan.

 

There are no survivors.........it was Parme-geddon.


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"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#780 Samiam

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 03:51 PM

That was cheezy. :D 


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#781 kvanpelt

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 03:42 PM

USRA!


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#782 NSwanberg

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 10:27 AM

Why don't lawyers use Viagra?

 

It just makes them taller.


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#783 Markomatic

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 01:49 PM

A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
First Offender? asked the judge.
She replied. No, First a Gibson, then a Fender.
Mark Miller

#784 Dave Crevie

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 02:30 PM

Hey, my guitars are too valuable to me to beat someone to death with.LOL Although I have known

some females that might tempt me to. 



#785 Markomatic

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 02:38 PM

If you want to expand on the guitar joke....She tried to hit him with the Gibson but the headstock broke so she went to the Fender
Mark Miller

#786 Dallas Racer

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 02:43 PM

If you want to expand on the guitar joke....She tried to hit him with the Gibson but the headstock broke so she went to the Fender

 

Tried to kill him with a Colt (Gibson) but had to use a Hi-Point (Fender).


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#787 Pappy

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 09:40 AM

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside Me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".


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Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#788 Dallas Racer

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Posted 07 March 2018 - 05:23 PM

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening to me, were you?" 

I thought to myself, that's a strange way to start a conversation...
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#789 MG Brown

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 11:55 PM

Tao and Zen.jpg


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"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#790 Dave Crevie

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 01:36 PM

In my waning years I sometimes remember things that happened in my youth. The other day I got a chuckle thinking

back to my first year in high school. I had a "crue" made up mostly of neighborhood kids, one of whom was a rabid

comic book fan. One of his favorites was X-men. Since I was basically the leader, he started labeling us as the C-men,

since my last name starts with a "C". The name stuck, and most other kids started calling us by that title. One day, while

walking between classes, I came upon a girl I "sort of liked" standing in the hallway crying. I stopped and asked her

what was going on. She told me that a boy had been mean to her. I told her not to worry, because I was going to make

her feel better with my C-men. My left cheek was red and sore for several days. 


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#791 Dave Crevie

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 01:29 PM

Now that I am much closer to the end of my life than the beginning, I can sometimes look back at things that happened years 

ago and have a laugh. I was at the grocery store one day, when a woman ahead of me, who had a basket load, was trying to

pay with food stamps and coupons. It was taking quite a long time, and an old woman behind me was getting a little antsy, She

was bumping me from behind with her cart. After about four or five bumps, I turned and told her if she rammed me one more

time I was going to deck her. She glared at me and said, " You can catch more flies with honey than with vinager, sonny". I

simply replied, "If I was trying to catch flies, I would use dogs**t".

 

That shut 'er up.



#792 aquavelvis

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Posted 31 March 2018 - 10:16 AM

another one for your Steven Wright list: Do unto others before they have a chance to do unto you.

 

My neighbors have a circular driveway. They can't get out.


Scott Taylor

#793 aquavelvis

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Posted 31 March 2018 - 10:23 AM

There's a knock at the front door. The man opens it and sees no one there. He then looks down and finds a snail on the porch.

 

He picks up the snail and throws it across the street.

 

A year later there's another knock at the front door. The man opens it and sees no one there but the scene seems familiar. He then looks down and again sees the snail on the porch.

 

The snail looks up and says, What was that all about?"


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Scott Taylor

#794 ravajack

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 01:56 PM

The skydiving instructor was going through the Q&A with his new students and one of them asked the usual question:

 

"If our parachute doesn't open and the reserve chute doesn't open, how long would we have until we hit the ground?"

 

The instructor looked at the student and answered in perfect deadpan:

 

"The rest of your life".


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#795 Pappy

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 05:47 PM

That guy needs to buy a parachute like I use to have. It was guaranteed to open on impact.  :D


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#796 Pablo

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 06:02 PM

I asked an old timer military parachute guy about his wartime experiences back in the day:

"how did they quality control the parachute packers"?

 

Answer: a Q/A guy walks into the parachute facility with all the packers present.

He randomly picks a packed chute, turns around, points to a randon packer, and tells him:

YOU - take this chute - go jump with it - NOW.

 

Not a joke - real story.


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Paul Wolcott

#797 Pappy

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 07:00 PM

I heard basically the same story but you had to jump with a parachute you packed. 


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE

#798 Zippity

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Posted 07 April 2018 - 04:42 AM

As the President addressed the 15,000 gathered in the stadium, a gunman was sighted in the crowd.

 

A newly recruited security officer yelled out "Mickey Mouse!!!!"

 

At that stage, the man carrying an AK47 hesitated and was tackled by those around him and they crashed to the floor.

 

The team leader of the President's Security Patrol confronted the trembling Security Officer and asked: "Why did you scream out Mickey Mouse?"

 

The red-faced security officer replied: "The heat of the moment got to me. I meant to say Donald, Duck!!"



#799 Dave Crevie

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Posted 07 April 2018 - 12:31 PM

Another true story about 'chutes. When I was slot drag racing in the '60s, an Airborne paratrooper, who had just

returned from 'Nam saw that we were using a government surplus parachute to catch the cars at the end of the

strip. He said, "Wow. Looks like you guys found a use for one of these that doesn't involve someone dying." 



#800 Pappy

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 08:44 AM

The  Pastor's Teeth                           
                      


A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false  teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new  teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he  talks for only ten minutes.

 
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours  and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him  down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The  Pastor explains, the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't  talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too  much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put  his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut  up.

Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

NF-UE





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