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Joke of the day


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#801 NSwanberg

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 03:03 AM

It is a good thing slot car racing is the last bastion of total male dominance and therefore no ladies will see the above. :sarcastic_hand:


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#802 Eddie Fleming

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 07:28 AM

Oh, I don't know about that.
 
My wife liked it.
 
In fact, she has not quit talking about it since she saw it.  :laugh2:
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Eddie Fleming

#803 NSwanberg

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Posted 12 April 2018 - 01:39 AM

Eddie, you are cruisin' for a bruisin'.


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"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
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#804 Pappy

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Posted 12 April 2018 - 07:57 AM

In fact she has not quit talking about it since she saw it.  :laugh2:

 

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read on here.  :laugh2:  :laugh2:  :laugh2:


Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

 


#805 MG Brown

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 04:08 PM

I gave away a dead car battery last night.

 

The person I gave it to didn't know it was dead; They asked "How much do I owe you?"

 

I said "You don't owe me anything. It's free of charge."


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#806 ravajack

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 11:34 PM

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote...
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
But before Johnny began to open his mouth, Susie says "Abraham Lincoln".
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home".
 
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says "Martin Luther King".
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go".
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says "John F. Kennedy".
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave".
 
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their freakin' mouths shut!"
 
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. See ya tomorrow!"

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#807 Pappy

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Posted 10 May 2018 - 08:19 AM

A crusty old Army Sargent Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 

"Excuse me, Sargent Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

 

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." 

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." 

The Sargent Major just stared at her in his serious manner. 

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

"1955, ma'am." 

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." 

The Sargent Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


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Jim "Butch" Dunaway
 
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
 
When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It's the same when you are stupid.

 


#808 Dave Crevie

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Posted 10 May 2018 - 12:21 PM

Only from a veteran. Good one!.



#809 ravajack

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 02:02 PM

I went to the liquor store last night on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

 

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself: If I should crash and fall off my bicycle, the bottle will probably break.

 

So I decided I'd better drink all the Scotch before I cycled home.

 

It turned out to be a very good decision.

 

I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!


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#810 Cheater

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 09:54 AM

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
 
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

 

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
 

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
 
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
 
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.[/size]
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

" I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
 
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I didn't believe in Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK. But I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#811 Dave Crevie

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 11:55 AM

Greg, Greg, Greg, you have to stop picking on us hillbiilies.

The other day I noticed a horse in my pasture was limping. I asked my neighbor if he would shoot a horse with a broken leg. He told me, "No, I'd use a rifle."
 
A girlfriend once asked me if her jeans made her butt look fat. I told her it wasn't the jeans fault, it was the nightly piece of cheesecake.

#812 Racer36

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 12:59 PM

There are some gems in that collection, Greg. Keep them coming. :D

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#813 Cheater

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 01:56 PM

That collection was courtesy of Butch Dunaway. I am just the wacko who posted them here.

Dave,

I am proud to call myself a Tennessee hillbilly...

Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#814 Phil Hackett

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 02:16 PM

These were sent to me through email...

 

image.jpg

 

image 2.jpg

 

image 3.jpg

 

image 4.jpg

 

image 5.jpg


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#815 Phil Hackett

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 06:26 PM

Alrighty. This is from Yahoo Finance. The question is, would you trust a (presumably) company that wrote the headline highlighted in red? I assume they think statements like this will impress potential customers. It's like a local car dealer exclaims on the radio, "We'll accept any reasonable offer!". Of course they do. 

 

Really.jpg


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#816 Dallas Racer

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 07:07 PM

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1  - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2  - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3  - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4  - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5  - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6  - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer  The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Phil Smith ® ™


#817 MG Brown

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 01:26 PM

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over..

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#818 Cheater

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 04:00 PM

A woman went to the emergency room where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
 
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
 
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
 
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: 
 
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#819 Slot-Racer

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Posted 22 June 2018 - 10:49 AM

Has anyone heard about Stevie Wonder's divorce? 

 

He was caught cheating on his wife.

 

Of course she takes him to divorce court.

 

On the day of court the judge asks, "Stevie, what do you have to say to these charges?!"

 

Stevie replied, "Judge I swear that I have never seen this other woman in my life!" 

 

:laugh2:


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#820 Dallas Racer

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Posted 26 June 2018 - 06:05 PM

I like my beer like I like my violence - domestic.


Phil Smith ® ™


#821 Slot-Racer

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Posted 26 June 2018 - 06:07 PM

I like this one: 

 

 

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#822 Thom

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Posted 28 June 2018 - 09:12 AM

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.
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#823 MG Brown

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Posted 02 July 2018 - 08:05 PM

Two Aussies were out hunting in the Outback, and suddenly came across a huge hole in the ground. They were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, There's an old gear box over there. Lets throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.

So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted to three and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They stared at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old stockman sauntered up. "You blokes didn't happen to see my goat, by any chance?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred kilometres an hour and jumped head first into this hole!"

The old stockman said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box! .

"I'm just here for the entertainment." George Carlin


#824 Cheater

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Posted 25 July 2018 - 11:55 AM

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM News was coming on.
The news-crew was covering the story of a man on the 
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very 
upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

Bob took the money.


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Gregory Wells

Never forget that first place goes to the racer with the MOST laps, not the racer with the FASTEST lap


#825 NSwanberg

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Posted 29 July 2018 - 12:54 AM

Could Rodney have been the funniest comedian ever?

 


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Remember the Steube bar!
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL RACEWAY!!
"The denial of denial is the first sign of denial." Hank, from Corner Gas
Nelson Swanberg

Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven





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