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Are they really jokes? You be the judge


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#201 Roy Lievanos

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Posted 11 October 2020 - 01:07 PM

One of my family's favorite programs back in the day. Along with Carol Burnett, Honeymooners/Jackie Gleason, Your Show of Shows, Ed Sullivan, and Disney's Wonderful world of Color. But for most hours watched, the horse operas dominated that. My Dad ruled the TV, and Gun Smoke, Rawhide, Maverick, Death Valley Days, Bonanza, Rifleman and Tombstone were what we saw most.     

 

We still watch the Honeymooners. “One of these day’s Alice, Bam Zoom All The Way To The Moon.”

 

My wife’s name is Alice. LOL


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#202 MG Brown

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Posted 11 October 2020 - 03:03 PM

​After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
 
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.


#203 MG Brown

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Posted 11 October 2020 - 04:10 PM

Stay at Home Festival.png


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#204 MG Brown

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Posted 13 October 2020 - 06:20 PM

Two Bloods.jpg


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Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.


#205 don.siegel

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Posted 14 October 2020 - 02:21 AM

Got a big kick out of your gripe sheet, MG, thanks. 

 

Don 



#206 MG Brown

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Posted 16 October 2020 - 12:37 PM

Most of the generation now aged 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?

20. My father taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up"

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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#207 MG Brown

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 07:21 PM

I am posting this with a heavy heart........

 

I love slot cars, the racing, friends, and everything that comes with it but after 2020 I am done. It is taking up too much of our time. We are struggling to keep up with the everyday chores of cooking and cleaning and maintaining our home.
 
So something has to give. We have decided to get rid of our stuff.
 
Below is a list of what’s available. Serious inquiries only, and please don’t insult me with low ball offers. Thanks for reading and understanding.....
 
1. Vacuum cleaner
2. Dust pan and broom
3. Mop and Bucket
4. Lawn Tractor
5. Leaf Blower
6. Laundry detergent & Fabric Softener
7. Iron ( Ironing board if needed)
 
Anything helps for slot car parts and gear!
 
Is it racing time yet ??????????

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#208 mickey thumbs

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Posted 17 October 2020 - 08:47 PM

Re #10. I remember sleeping in a kitchen chair, head down on the pink formica table, a plate of peas beside my head.


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#209 MG Brown

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Posted 18 October 2020 - 10:35 PM

My neighbor borrowed my car the other day and when he finally brought it back I asked him why took so long he said, I was going to bring it back sooner but I drove by your house a couple of times and I didnt see your car so I didnt think you were home.
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#210 MG Brown

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Posted 19 October 2020 - 04:07 PM

It's time for Halloween Jokes:

 

I saw a ghost limping down the road. I asked what's wrong. He said "I have no sole."


Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.


#211 MG Brown

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Posted 20 October 2020 - 08:58 AM

Create one thing..jpg


Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.


#212 Martin

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Posted 20 October 2020 - 07:39 PM

Its the perfect system. Stay to the inside until your exit then leave to the outside. Do not enter the roundabout until clear, basically yield to traffic on the roundabout.

Perfect flow. No stop signs or stop lights. I love them :heart:  :diablo:   Give me more.


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#213 Jay Guard

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Posted 20 October 2020 - 09:16 PM

I had to deal with a lot of these when I lived in Europe in the 80's and early 90's.  They are awesome for light to moderate traffic, but the really big ones that are three lanes deep and have very heavy traffic (like in Paris) are, shall we say, a challenge.  You've got to be patient, aggressive, and a good bit lucky all at the same time to work your way through one of those.  Then throw in the "driving on the wrong side" thing in London and it really does get "devilish"!


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#214 NSwanberg

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 12:46 AM

From what I read they have more wrecks but they are less violent. I call them crashabouts.


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Remember the Steube bar! (ask Raisin)
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Peace be with all of us and good racing for the rest of us.
Have controller. Will travel. Slot Car Heaven


#215 John Streisguth

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 05:16 AM

NJ has been getting rid of them...Pennsylvania is installing new ones.   :unknw:


"Whatever..."

#216 Jay Guard

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 12:40 PM

The following is an actual question given on a University of

Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

 


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#217 Martin

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 02:02 PM

Now that's funny LOL :laugh2:


Martin Windmill

#218 old & gray

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Posted 21 October 2020 - 10:23 PM

Late comment  on roundabouts:

 

Connecticut had a law in the 1980's that "drivers in the rotary shall yield the right-of-way to those entering the rotary."

 

The traffic snarls could become epic.


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#219 Dave Crevie

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Posted 22 October 2020 - 09:36 AM

More proof that Hell has frozen over.

 

Upon their break-up of the band The Eagles, Don Henley and Glen Frey swore that the band would get back together when Hell freezes over.

 

They did get back together, and recorded that epic album.


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#220 ravajack

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Posted 23 October 2020 - 05:38 PM

Re:Roundabouts.

 

C'mon, it's not too complicated... :laugh2:

 

swindon.jpg


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#221 MG Brown

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Posted 23 October 2020 - 07:27 PM

Tap on the screen.png


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#222 MSwiss

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Posted 23 October 2020 - 09:21 PM

Re:Roundabouts.

 

After closing the raceway, on Saturday nights, a few of us usually grab a bite to eat.

 

I was coming home real late one night, and took the tollway back, which had me approaching my house, from a back way I only go, maybe 1 out of 10 times.

 

I had just tested the corning power off my car, making a tight left turn, and as I was accelerating, I (luckily) spotted a new speed bump, along with a mini-roundabout, at the next intersection.

 

I slammed on the brakes, in time, or I might of went airborne and probably wouldn't of had the time steer around the roundabout. 

 

I was scared enough, I woke my wife up, to tell her of my stupidity.

 

The crazy part was after going by both of them, a handful of times, I went by no longer than a month or two later, from my first almost mishap, and they were gone, with zero trace they were ever there.

 

My wife still claims that a resident must of put them in on their own. LOL


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#223 MG Brown

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Posted 27 October 2020 - 05:07 PM

Buckle Up.jpg


Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.


#224 MG Brown

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Posted 29 October 2020 - 10:14 PM

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said,

I would like to withdraw $10 The teller told her, For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why ... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, Please help me withdraw all the money I have. The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000
"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her.

The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.

The moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
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Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.


#225 MG Brown

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Posted 01 November 2020 - 08:30 PM

Passed on from a neighbor:

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else.
A young girl with green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?
I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."
She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
I just say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

Ah! Being young is exciting but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care.

Sure I have a retirement plan, I plan to build and race slot cars.






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